I put off watching “Marriage Story“. I usually try to watch all the movies nominated for Oscars before the ceremony. But not this one. It’s not because it wasn’t filled with a superb cast acting out a wonderful script. It was because I didn’t want to feel like I was at work. And, let’s be honest, I was a little scared as to how the divorce lawyers would be portrayed. We often get a bad rap. “War of the Roses” anyone?
But I’m sorry that I delayed watching this excellent film. Besides being beautifully done, I think that “Marriage Story” can teach you (and me) a lot about the raw sadness that comes with the breakdown of a relationship. And, in my opinion, it is the most accurate portrayal of a divorce case and divorce lawyers that I have ever seen.
Haven’t seen “Marriage Story”? If you haven’t know that this article may contain some spoilers! Plan to watch it again? Here are my five lessons that “Marriage Story” can teach you about the divorce process (and the divorce lawyers in that process):
- Getting divorced is really sad, especially when neither party is the villain.
- Just like Nicole and Charlie, divorce lawyers (and their advice) can be complicated too;
- Settling is always better than going to court, especially in custody cases;
- Do not allow your emotions to affect your financial settlement; and
- The divorce process is tough, but it does get better.
“Marriage story” constantly reminds us that getting divorced is really sad, especially when neither party is the villain.
Watching “Marriage Story” was gut wrenching at times. I found myself being so sad for this family! Why? Because neither of the parties were bad people. Nicole and Charlie loved and admired each other at one time. They loved their child. Rather, they, like most of my clients, were two good people whose relationship had faults and, as a result, their marriage didn’t work out. I think that this dynamic is the rule rather than the exception for most divorces. Why is this so important to remember?
During the divorce process it may be hard for you to remember that, at one point, you also admired and loved your spouse. You didn’t think they were a bad guy when you said “I do,” did you? Because, in all likelihood they aren’t. People are not all good or all bad. Unlike movies, most divorce cases don’t have a villain.
But, as hard as it may be to remember why you married this person in the first place, you need to. Why? Because if you get hung up with the “why” of the divorce and keeping score of who did what to who, you will lose. The best thing that you can do during the divorce process is get in and get out, with dignity and grace. Grace for yourself and grace for your former spouse.
Are you struggling with your emotions about your divorce, then I highly suggest that you check out my review of Gabrielle Hartley’s Better Apart Divorce Masterclass (and check out the class itself). It is a self-guide six part course that will help you address your emotions about your divorce so that you can move through the process and on to your best post-divorce life!
Just like “Marriage Story’s” couple, Nicole and Charlie, divorce lawyers (and their advice) can be complicated too.
I’m always a little worried when I see lawyers portrayed in movies or tv. Why? Because generally, the characters are over the top bulldog, win at all cost types. And while, “Marriage Story’s” Nora and Jay had flashes of this, it wasn’t their total portrayal. For Bert, he was the exact opposite.
Divorce lawyers are usually a combo of Bert and Nora/Jay. I know that I am. You have to be able to fight for your client and show that you are fighting for them. But you also have to give them accurate advice and tell them when to settle. During Bert’s initial meeting with Charlie, I found myself laughing. Why? Because I have definitely said many of those things to clients myself! And that made me happy.
I was happy because I (and you) were finally seeing an accurate portrayal of a divorce lawyer. We care about our clients. We want to fight for them but we are also realistic. And we give realistic advice. Whether you like it or not.
If only my office looked as nice as Nora’s (swoon) . . . .
Settling is always better than going to court, especially in custody cases.
If you’ve read the Divorce Lawyer Life for any amount of time, you know that I am a firm believer in settling your case is always better than going to court. Two scenes from a Marriage Story illustrated this mantra perfectly.
The first was “Marriage Story’s” scene with the courtroom settlement conference. Because Nicole and Charlie were unable to come to a custody and financial agreement, they were required to go to a settlement conference before a judge. And about 20 other people.
Do you want strangers that you don’t know hearing everything about your life. Do you want them to know what you eat, drink, how much money that you make? The last time you had a glass of wine. Well they may if you go to a family court hearing. Everything related to your case is fair game. Did you think Nora and Jay’s argument were out of bounds or over the top? I didn’t. Because they were pretty realistic. I’ve made many of them. And they just illustrate that everything related to your case is fair game. Social media, emails, alcohol consumption, everything.
The second example was the custody evaluator’s home study of Charlie and Henry. How awkward was it for Charlie to have this odd woman in his apartment evaluating his relationship with Henry. What if that was you?
Because it could be. Let’s get real.
Do you want to have to worry about what will happen if you say the wrong thing or the child acts out (as Henry did) during the home visit? Do you want that kind of stress? I wouldn’t.
Also, do you think it is in your children’s best interest to have someone that was in your home for only a few hours decide whether your kid should live with you or your spouse? In New York of LA? That’s what happens in you cannot come to a custody agreement and the court must decide. It may not be a great system but it is the system that we have. Don’t leave such an important decision in the hands of someone that you barely know. And who wouldn’t eat the dinner offered! Rude.
Do your best to not allow your emotions to affect your financial settlement.
This is tough one. And I preach about it all the time. Your financial settlement is akin to the dissolution of a business. It’s all numbers and math. When does that get tricky? When emotions get involved.
While “Marriage Story” starts off withNicole and Charlie having a clear idea of how they wanted to divide their assets, things started to get murky when they couldn’t agree on where Henry would live. And, it got worse when Nicole was reminded of Charlie’s infidelity. Then what did we see? They got lawyers and started a war.
While Nicole and Charlie were ultimately able to come to a financial settlement towards the end of “Marriage Story,” it was only because they put their swords away and focused on the numbers and how they wanted to end their marriage. Because at the end of the day it isn’t my divorce. Or the other lawyer’s. It’s yours.
Yes, most divorces include lawyers, financial documents, appraisals and negotiations. But, do your best to leave the emotions out of the financial settlement in your case. Rather, focus on coming to a fair resolution of your finances so that you can go on and live your best post-divorce life! It will even save you legal fees! Win-win!
The divorce process is tough, but “Marriage Story” proves that it does get better.
I have a confession. The last scenes of Marriage Story moved me, this cold-hearted divorce lawyer, to tears. Why? Because it showed that it really can get better for you after the divorce process is over.
I tell this to clients all the time. It’s a huge reason why I started this blog! I also tell my client that I know that they don’t believe me but they should. I have found that after the case is over and the papers are signed, a lot of couples are able to co-parent together, and, in some instances, even get along quite well.
Why? Because there are no more lawyers fees, no more fighting, and most importantly, no more adversarial process. They aren’t being reminded of their breakup every day. And, the anger just seems to dissipate. Does this happen for everyone? No. Does it happen right away? Not necessarily. But it is possible. And Nicole and Charlie trick-or-treating together at the end of “Marriage Story” was a great example of that.
And it is so important to try. Why? Because you are still a family. Just in a different form. When Nicole said “It’s only good.” Ah, I loved that! Because that is what I want for all my clients and their kids. Don’t you want that for yourself?
So be good. To yourself and your ex.
What can “Marriage Story” teach you about divorce?
“Marriage Story” is a great movie. So, if you just want to watch it for its entertainment value, I get it. But if you want to learn something, here are the five lessons that it can teach you about divorce:
- Getting divorced is really sad, especially when neither party is the villain.
- Just like Nicole and Charlie, divorce lawyers (and their advice) can be complicated too;
- Settling is always better than going to court, especially in custody cases;
- Do not allow your emotions to affect your financial settlement; and
- The divorce process is tough, but it does get better. I promise!
Have you seen “Marriage Story?” Did I miss a lesson that you caught? Let me know in the comments! I do have a few other smaller ones that I’ll be sharing with my subscribers! Not a subscriber to my newsletter yet? Well, get on the list and don’t miss out!
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
So I have some complaining to do. There are things that some of my clients do that drive me crazy! And they are actually hurting their own case by doing them! Want to learn how not to annoy your divorce lawyer? Tune in next week.
Have you just finalized your divorce award and aren’t sure what you should do to finalize your agreement and move to your best post-divorce life? Want to make sure that you don’t miss any of my tips and tricks for paying for and navigating the divorce process post-Coronavirus and beyond? Sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers. You’ll get a FREE post-divorce checklist just for signing up!
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