Everyone thinks that their divorce is special. Like in the history of divorces, their breakup is somehow more unique and different and difficult than all the divorce cases that have come before them. And while every case certainly has its wrinkles and nuances, I have found that there are a few recurring themes that run through every divorce case. And you know what? That’s a good thing. Why? Because it can help you have a great divorce.
You may be saying to yourself, Liz, a great divorce? There is no such thing! Divorce is painful and sad and expensive. Yes, those things can be true. But there are things that you can do to make your divorce less painful, less sad, and yes, even less expensive. And if you can do that, you will have a great divorce. Will it be a trip to Disney World? No. But, I promise you, a great divorce is possible. Want to know how?
Over the years, I have distilled the elements of a great divorce into 5 simple steps that anyone going through the divorce process can take. They are:
- Choose a good divorce lawyer to have a great divorce;
- Be smart and informed about your money from day one;
- Don’t make your divorce case your life;
- A great divorce means that you don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good divorce settlement; and
- Know when to walk away and stop fighting.
Ready to learn how to have a great divorce? Let’s go.
You must choose a good divorce lawyer to have a great divorce.
Who you choose as your divorce attorney is one of the most important, if not the most important decisions of your case. There is no way to have a great divorce without a good (or even better, great) divorce lawyer. Why is this so important?
Have you just separated from your spouse? Well, you and your divorce lawyer are about to spend a lot of time together. If you are already in the process you know this to be true. Getting divorced is not a quick process in most states. Why? In short, there is a lot to do to dissolve a marriage (think child custody and dividing up your assets) and the court system is slow.
So you want to make sure that you choose wisely when you hire your divorce attorney. How do you do this? I previously wrote about my seven tips for choosing the right divorce attorney for your case. Make sure that you are considering these factors when hiring your representation. And don’t let price guide your decision (as much as you can avoid it given your budget). The old adage of you get what you pay for applies to divorce attorneys as much as coffee makers.
Above all, you want someone who understands your goals and is responsive to you and your case. One of the biggest emotions in divorce cases is fear of the unknown. Having a lawyer that understands this and keeps this in mind during your relationship will provide the base layer for a great divorce.
Be smart and informed about your money from day one.
You can’t have a great divorce if you are not knowledgeable about your money. One of the reasons that I started this blog was the lack of knowledge regarding basic personal finance that I saw every day from my private clients. These people were traditionally educated and often lived middle class lifestyles. So I assumed they would understand how budgeting and financial accounts such as 401(k)s and pensions worked. I was so wrong.
At first I was shocked. Then I was concerned. Now I’m determined to make sure that I do everything I can to fill up that hole with basic financial information that you can use during your divorce case and in your best post-divorce life!
Be honest, what’s your IQ level when it comes to your finances? Don’t worry this is a safe place. If your familiarity with money isn’t what you want (or what you think it should be) you need to change that starting now.
So what do you need to know about finances to have a great divorce?
First, you need to know what you own. What accounts do you have? How How much money is in them? Are they cash accounts or retirement accounts? How much is your house worth? Get the statements and make a list.
Second, you need to know what you owe. Do you have student loans? Credit card debt? Owe on your car? Put that on the list too.
Third, you need to know what your income is. How much money do you make? Will you receive spousal support? Child support? How much and for how long?
And finally, you need to make a budget. You can’t have a great divorce and, more importantly, a great post-divorce life if you don’t have control over how you spend your money.
Don’t wait until the end of your divorce to put all these pieces into place. Start as soon as you separate and meet with an attorney. The sooner you get a handle on your finances, the better your chances are of having a great divorce and setting yourself up for future financial and personal success.
Don’t make your divorce case your life.
You can’t have a great divorce if you make your divorce case your life. What do I mean by that? Let me explain it with a story from my law clerk days.
My judge had a horrendous child custody case. I mean, this couple hated each other. But what struck me the most was not the animosity between the parties. Unfortunately, that is par for the course. Rather, it was mother’s behavior during the trial. While her lawyer had a large file filled with papers and exhibits, mother also had one. Like a mover’s box sized file. And it wasn’t simply a copy of what the lawyer had (or at least it didn’t appear to be). It was her own file that she had made for her custody case which she kept referencing during the hearing. And no, she wasn’t a trained attorney.
I have to tell you that this is not normal. When you have a lawyer, they have the documents. For mother to have made her own file (and such a large one at that) told me that she was way too invested in the trial, to the point of obsession.
You may be saying to yourself, Liz, it’s her kids, of course she was invested! Yes, but the fact that mother had every email, every scrap of correspondence ever between her and father for years told me one thing: she had made her divorce case her life. It wasn’t about the welfare of her kids. It was about the litigation of the case. See the difference?
Worried you may be making your divorce case your life? Here are some signs:
- You see every interaction with your former spouse as evidence for your case;
- You think of everything you do as whether or not it is good for your “side”;
- You second, even third guess your lawyer’s advice as if you are co-counsel;
- You have driven away family and friends because you only talk about your divorce; and/or
- Your obsession with your divorce case has affected your job performance.
While being a diligent divorce client is important and welcome, being obsessive is not good for your well-being, your wallet, or your ability to have a great divorce. So what can you do? Here are two ideas.
First, practice divorce self-care. It’s like regular self-care but for divorced people. One of the biggest suggestions that I can make is to seek out divorce specific programs such as Better Apart or hire a divorce coach!
Second, let your lawyer do their job and follow their advice! You hired them for a reason! Trying to control the case when you have counsel will be destructive and will not garner you the result that you want or need. So stop doing it.
A great divorce means that you don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good divorce settlement.
I can not tell you how many non-family law attorneys say to me, I could never practice family law, or, I don’t know how you deal with divorce cases. Want to know why? It’s not because the divorce legal process is harder than any other areas of law practice. It’s because of the emotions of the clients. And those emotions can sabotage your ability to have a great divorce.
I’m not saying that you can’t be sad about your divorce. Or angry. Or happy even. I’m saying that allowing your feelings about the end of your marriage to infiltrate the discussions about your financial divorce settlement will prevent you from having a great divorce.
So, how do you do stop your emotions from getting in the way of a great divorce and divorce settlement? As I’ve said before, you need to think of your divorce as a dissolution of a business. You and your spouse are business partners that need to simply close up shop.
How do you do this emotion-less wind down of your partnership? You divide up the assets and debts, take your share and walk away. Look at the numbers and then decide who is going to keep what. It’s not about who did what to who or what you think you are entitled to receive. Rather, it is about the cold hard (numerical) facts. Let those facts guide your financial divorce settlement and you will have a great divorce.
Know when to walk away and stop fighting.
I’ve watched clients fight over some really dumb stuff. Drying racks, rugs, crock pots, even a broken Wii console. Trust me, if you can think of it, I’ve seen couples fight over it. And you know what? All this fighting only does one thing: preventing you from having a great divorce.
There is a point in every divorce case where it just needs to be over. And recognizing that point and walking away from the fight is the key to a great divorce. There will always be another dispute to squabble over. Another point for discussion. You need to recognize when continuing the fight is not serving you any more. What do I mean by this?
I often tell clients that they need to do a cost-benefit analysis for every major issue in their divorce case. In other words, I tell them to ask themselves: Is it worth it to me financially to pursue this issue or is it better for me to drop it and settle?
You need to be doing this too. However not just with the financial cost of your divorce. You also need to be doing this with the emotional cost of the divorce.
So I’m going to add to my prior question. If you want to have a great divorce you also need to ask yourself: Is it worth it to me emotionally to continue to fight over this issue or is it better for me to drop it and walk away?
Sometimes the answer will be to stay and fight. However, most of the time it will be to move on. I know that that is hard for some of you to do. You think walking away means giving up. It’s not. It’s choosing to take care of yourself and your emotional and financial well-being by forgoing the chance to continue to stay in the fighting pit with your former spouse. While it may be hard to see the immediate benefit, I promise you that it is there. And it is the only way forward if you want to have a great divorce.
Did you get all 5 steps to a great divorce?
It’s hard to have a great post-divorce life if you don’t have a great divorce! Keep in mind these 5 steps so that you can successfully end your divorce case and move on to your next, and maybe best, chapter:
- You need to choose a good divorce lawyer to have a great divorce;
- Be smart and informed about your money from day one;
- Don’t make your divorce case your life;
- A great divorce means that you don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good financial divorce settlement; and
- Know when to walk away and stop fighting when doing so isn’t serving you financially or emotionally.
As always, please continue to stay safe, stay sane, and most importantly, keep washing your hands!!!
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
Chances are, your trip to a divorce lawyer’s office may be your first interaction with the legal system. And lawyers. Not sure what to ask your attorney about your divorce case? Don’t waste your initial consult. Get my top 7 questions that you need to ask your divorce lawyer, available on the blog next week. You’ll want to book mark this one!
Want to make sure that you don’t miss any of my tips and tricks for navigating the divorce process post-Coronavirus and beyond? Make sure that you sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers. You’ll get a FREE post-divorce checklist just for signing up!
Or, have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do first? Or after that? It can be difficult to determine where to start first. Don’t worry, I got you! Get my FREE checklist for what to do when you are newly separated. You don’t want to miss it!