The divorce process can be slow, particularly in the time of COVID. Do you need help learning some divorce patience? You aren’t alone. A few weeks ago, I was fortunate to connect with Karen Chellew of My Divorce Solution and we had a great conversation. I really felt like I had found a kindred spirit in the divorce world! We both are strong in our commitment to helping our clients navigate the divorce process in a way that actually helps (not hurts) divorcing couples, their kids and their finances.
So what is My Divorce Solution? Karen and her partner, Catherine Shanahan, work with clients (both individuals and couples) all over the United States both before, during and after the divorce process. Catherine and Karen do this by helping their clients develop a transparent financial plan via a three-phase process to optimize the outcome of their divorce. They can help clients in both the traditional court and mediation process.
The more I talked to Karen, I realized what an invaluable service My Divorce Solution is offering divorcing clients. And, I wanted to make sure that my readers knew more about them and how they can help! So, I asked them if they wanted to provide a guest post for the Divorce Lawyer Life. And they did! So, without further ado, let Catherine teach us all about divorce patience.
What is divorce patience anyways?
Many clients feel stuck in the middle. Some are blind sided. Some mentally prepare and then take the first scary step to start the process. Others are just too afraid of the unknown so they accept their status quo.
The middle of this journey can be the biggest test of divorce patience. You either are waiting for your spouse to respond to you, your mediator, lawyer, CDFA, accountant or worse, your children!
Many of our clients wonder, how do I get through this waiting period? In this instant gratification world we live, divorce patience could be your best friend. If you are like me and lack patience, this is the time to learn the value of it.
Here are a few things I suggest to help my clients practice divorce patience in the middle of the divorce process.
Divorce Patience Tip #1: Forget instant gratification.
When your spouse reaches out to you, telling you all the mean things they want to say, do you fire back a response? Don’t. Make them wait. Instead, respond when your mind and emotions have had time to get over the anger. Assess if there is purpose for the comment and if there is anything of value that is being asked of you.
Realize that those anger filled messages are to get a reaction from you, either to reach a settlement or for you to just cave in and let them get away with what they want. Don’t make any parenting or financial decisions when your emotions are high.
Many times, my clients send me their responses and I delete half of what they say and help them to respond to what is necessary. They feel better because it is off their chest and, as their CDFA and advisor, I feel better because I know they are then in a better place to make decisions and to move forward in a positive direction. This also saves them from calling their lawyer demanding things based on emotions and not on merit which in turn, saves a lot of money!
Divorce Patience #2: Focus on the knowns.
There are so many unknowns in the middle: where will I live, how will I afford things, when will the process be over, will I be alone forever, will my kids be ok, who are my real friends, what will my family think, is this the right thing to do, did my spouse ever love me, where is all the money, on and on . .
These answers will come. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but they will come in time. How can you deal with this unknown? Journal in the middle. Ask yourself, what are your goals? Focus on them. If you want to know what you can afford, complete a Lifestyle Analysis. If you will need a job, start looking for one, update or create a resume, or take a class to get certified in something that interests you.
Divorce Patience Tip #3: Listen to your team.
If you have assembled the right divorce team, listen. If you agree with their guidance, then follow it. Don’t sit inside honed into waiting for responses and outcomes. Trust they know what they are doing and go back to following number two above. If your gut is telling you not to agree with your team, then discuss it with them. Remember they work for you, you don’t work for them.
Your voice is important. A good team will listen to you and give their opinion on your concerns. Getting the clarity you need is one of your assets. We use our knowledge and resources to keep our clients in the loop by providing them with the clarity and confidence needed to make very important decisions. Make sure you listen, and your team listens to you!
The Divorce Patience Mantra: “See it, believe it and you will achieve it.”
I read this in a golf book years ago, it’s an analogy of putting. See the hole and envision the path that your ball will take going into it, believe that you will putt it into the hole and you will achieve it. I use this theory in many areas of my life, including when I got divorced.
I saw happiness, I believed I would get there and now I am achieving it. So, while you are in the middle, see your happiness believe you will get there, and I promise you will! Until then, don’t expect instant gratification, practice divorce patience by forgetting instant gratification, focusing on the knowns and listening to your team.
You are not crazy, and you are not the only one that feels this way. Trust me, I hear it all the time! My clients talk to me all the time asking, “what do I do to get through this” and, “I can’t wait to be on the other side.” I completely understand. You will get through this and you will be on the other side but right now stay here, take the right steps to protect yourself and one day at a time you will see the light to a new journey and a happier you!
Catherine Shanahan is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst at My Divorce Solution who partners with Karen Chellew, LL. My Divorce Solution is committed to helping divorcing couples develop a transparent plan via a three-phase process to optimize the outcome of their divorce. Phase 1 is the development of the financial portrait.
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
Do you really need attend your family court hearing? This may seem like a simple question to some. But, over the years, you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve been asked this. And next week I’ll give you the answer!
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