Have you seen “Marriage Story” yet? In one scene, Nicole, played by Scarlett Johansson, is discussing how to “serve” Charlie, played by Adam Driver, with divorce papers. While it’s a comical scene for a viewer, but as a divorce lawyer, it made me kind of cringe. Having your sister hand your spouse divorce papers? What a terrible way to ask for a divorce!
Has COVID-19 had you thinking that it’s time to pull the plug on your marriage? Or, were you and your spouse already headed towards Splittsville before the pandemic? Asking for a divorce is the first thing that happens in a divorce case. And doing it the right (or wrong) way can really affect how your divorce case is going to go.
While deciding to end your marriage is a tough decision, it’s even tougher to tell your spouse that you want a divorce. Not sure how to do it? Don’t worry, I got you!
Here are my 6 tips on how to ask for a divorce:
- Make sure you that you are safe before you ask for a divorce;
- Ask for a divorce yourself and in person (if possible);
- Tell your spouse you want a divorce before they receive any court papers;
- Be sure you want a divorce before you ask for a divorce;
- Don’t ask for a divorce when your children or other third parties are around; and
- Be willing to listen to what your spouse has to say (to a point) after you ask for a divorce.
Make sure you that you are safe before you ask for a divorce
Let me make something very clear before I discuss the rest of the tips on how to ask for a divorce. The most important tip in this article is that you must make sure that you don’t do anything that jeopardizes your safety. So, if you are a victim of domestic violence, or are afraid that your spouse could harm you when you ask for a divorce, do not do it alone or in person. Tips for asking for a divorce in a respectful and contemplative way go out the window if you are in fear of your physical safety.
If you are worried about what will happen to you when you ask for a divorce, make sure that you speak to your attorney on the best way to handle this during your initial divorce consult. They will have some tips for your specific situation as well as information about domestic violence resources that you can access.
Or, if you can not afford an attorney or don’t have one at this time, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can provide information about local services as well as talk you through how to get out of your house and get to a safe location.
Ask for a divorce yourself and in person
I’m going to tell you something that you may not want to hear. While a divorce lawyer can do a lot of things for you, it is best to ask for a divorce yourself. I know, I know, maybe not the advice you wanted to hear, right? But you knew you I was going to say it.
Why is asking your spouse for a divorce yourself so important? At the end of the day, this divorce is between you and your spouse. Yes, your divorce lawyers are involved. And counselors. And accountants. And even the judge. But it’s not our marriage. It’s yours. And so, it’s your divorce.
And the best way to honor the end of your marriage with respect is to ask your spouse for a divorce yourself.
Also, do it in person, if geographically possible and personally safe. Asking for a divorce over text is not “modern.” It’s just plain rude. And cowardly. Don’t do it.
Tell your spouse you want a divorce before they receive any court papers
If I’m meeting with a client who has not yet told their spouse they want a divorce, I make sure I take some time during the initial consult to discuss how they plan on asking for one. Have you met with a divorce lawyer yet? If I not, make sure to add this to your list to discuss.
I also coordinate the filing of any court papers, like a divorce complaint or custody action, with the client so that they can ask for a divorce before those papers are served, like my “Marriage Story” example.
One of my favorite divorce lawyer sayings is “Surprises are great for birthdays, not so great for divorces.” Let me explain why.
Having your spouse find out that you are asking for a divorce via receipt of divorce papers from a process server or a divorce lawyer is not a great way to start off your divorce case. In fact, it is a horrible way to start a divorce case. Why?
The person will be angry and embarrassed. I mean, who wants to find out that their spouse doesn’t want to be married to them anymore via a letter in the mail or a process server coming to their place of work? Surprise flowers at my desk, yes please. Surprise divorce complaint? No thank you.
The resulting anger can carry through the rest of your case, causing your spouse to do anything from take unreasonable positions in settlement discussions, refuse to coparent, or even shut down and avoid discussing the topic of divorce altogether.
I know, sounds ominous. It can be. I once had a client serve her spouse with divorce papers as he was coming off an airplane with his mistress. Emotionally, did he deserve it? Sure. Did it make the case more difficult, definitely. Is that momentary feeling of satisfaction worth the consequences that may result? I don’t think so.
Be the bigger person. Let them know the papers are coming.
Be sure you want a divorce before you ask for a divorce
Deciding that you want to end your marriage is not an easy decision to make. Nor should it be. Most of my clients have spent months, even years agonizing over deciding whether to ask for a divorce. And rightly so. Getting married was a choice made with a lot of consideration. End that marriage should be given equal consideration.
And while this is a hard decision to make, I suggest that you make it before you decide to ask for a divorce. Waffling during divorce discussions doesn’t do good for you, your spouse, or your children. I know it can be hard to decide that you want to end your marriage. I had one client pay me a retainer and take it back at least three times before she was sure! It’s okay. Giving such care to your decision is a sign that you care about your spouse and your marriage.
So don’t approach your spouse saying you want a divorce until you are ready to act on it. It’s not fair to them.
Also, don’t ask for a divorce as a bargaining chip for something else. Using it as a ploy to get your spouse to do something or “change their ways” usually back fires. And people who issue empty threats without follow through rarely get the respect that they were looking for in the first place.
Don’t ask for a divorce when your children or other third parties are around
Story time! This one actually doesn’t come from my divorce files but from an experience I had in my previous job as a waitress. During high school and college I worked at a restaurant in my hometown. Fun times, but I digress . . . You’re here to learn how to ask for a divorce, not to hear about my career as a server at a Tex Mex restaurant in suburban Milwaukee.
I was working one busy Friday night when a fellow server came into the kitchen with the craziest story! While she was waiting on one of her tables she overheard a man at another table ask his wife for a divorce! And what’s worse then having someone ask you for a divorce in a crowded restaurant, having your children and Mother (or Mother in law) at the table too! Can you believe it? Years later, I still tell this story.
What can you learn from this crazy “ask for a divorce” story?
Don’t do that. No matter how angry and frustrated you are with your spouse, do not ask for a divorce when your children or other third parties (fellow Tex Mex diners included) can hear your conversation. Why is asking for a divorce in private a good idea?
First, this is a horrible memory to give to your kids. I wonder if they were ever able to visit the restaurant again without thinking about this. Just awful. Second, having you ask for a divorce in front of others (your children or not) can be extremely embarrassing for your spouse. And an embarrassed spouse is likely to have an emotional reaction to what you are saying. That emotional reaction can carry throughout your divorce case. Why is this bad?
Can you imagine what the Wife in my restaurant example likely told all of her friends, divorce lawyer, and/or anyone who would listen? I would guess something like, “can you believe he asked me for a divorce over tacos with my Mother-in-law present?” And do you think she told this story once? No. She likely told the story of how her husband asked for a divorce over and over again. It likely became the mantra of her divorce case. And that is no good. Why?
Have an emotional mantra like this can cloud your divorce case and affect every interaction that you have with your spouse for awhile, if not forever. And not in a good way. So, don’t give your spouse this kind of mantra. Keep the discussion between the two of you. Showing them respect during this difficult time may help them to keep respect for you during your divorce case.
Be willing to listen to what your spouse has to say (to a point) after you ask for a divorce.
So, you’ve decided you are finally ready to ask for a divorce. Maybe you’ve even rehearsed what you want to say over a glass of wine or into the mirror Snow White style. But have you thought about how your spouse is going to respond? Well, they may have something that they want to say too.
Didn’t think about that? You should. Chances are, you asking for a divorce is not going to come out of nowhere. Even when clients say to me they were “blindsided,” they really weren’t. They knew there were troubles in their marriage. So while the final ask may be a shock, the discussion about why usually isn’t.
So take a moment to think about what your spouse is going to say when you ask for a divorce. Are they going to be angry? Sad? Will they ask you to reconsider? Maybe they’ll even agree? Think about what you may say to all these emotions. And then let them have their say too.
To a point.
There comes a time in every break up conversation when you and your partner are just going in circles. Continuing to ask why and rehashing events or things said serves no purpose. It isn’t going to get either of you to change your mind about the end of the marriage. So when you get to the point where you are just going around and around, you need to cut the discussion off.
What should you do if your spouse says that you “owe me” a discussion? Yes, I think you do owe them a conversation about your reasoning but again, to a point. And once you feel that you’ve reached that point it is okay to walk away.
This is particularly true if your spouse is trying to manipulate you or guilt you into changing your mind about the divorce. This is why you need to be resolved in your decision. Waffles are great for breakfast. Waffling is not so great for divorce discussions, especially when you have a spouse that guilts you into doing so.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you when to cut the discussion off. There is no time limit that I can give you. But when you feel that you’ve said all that can be said, it’s time to end it.
Ready to ask for a divorce?
I know, even thinking about asking for a divorce is enough to cause you to break out in hives or stress eat a sheet cake. And while I can’t take away the stress and emotions for you, I hope that by following my tips you can ask for a divorce in a way that is respectful of your marriage, your spouse, and yourself. Those six tips are:
- Make sure you that you are safe before you ask for a divorce and seek our domestic violence resources if necessary;
- Ask your spouse for a divorce yourself if possible;
- Tell your spouse that you want a divorce before they receive any court papers from a process server or divorce lawyer;
- Be sure that you want a divorce before you ask your spouse for one to avoid confusion for both of you;
- Don’t ask for a divorce when your children, Mother-in-laws (or Tex Mex waitresses) are around; and
- Be willing to listen to what your spouse has to say (to a point) after you ask for a divorce but know when to end the discussion.
So what do you think? Agree with my suggestions? Have some more? Think I’m off base? Let me know in the comments!
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
COVID-19 has changed so much about our society. With so many things “going virtual” since the start of this pandemic, why would the family court system be any different? Do you have a virtual family court hearing coming up? Did you just file for a post Coronavirus divorce? Don’t be caught with your pants down. Literally. Tune in next week for my tips on how to prepare and attend a virtual family court hearing. I can’t wait to bring them to you.
Have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do first? Or after that? It can be difficult to know where to start. Don’t worry, I got you! Sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers.You’ll also get my FREE checklist for what to do when you are newly separated. You don’t want to miss it!