I don’t know if it’s the social distancing or social media hype, but I gave in. I watched “Love is Blind” this weekend. I have to confess, me watching a show like this is not really a result of quarantine craziness. I can always get down with some trashy TV and this is exactly what I needed to get my mind off of the Coronavirus. Can you relate? Have you seen “Love is Blind”?
Haven’t heard of “Love is Blind”? Don’t have Netflix? Allow me to enlighten you with the words from the show’s website: “‘Love is Blind’ is a social experiment where single men and women look for love and get engaged, all before meeting in person.” Yeah.
For the first three or four episodes, the contestants speak to each other while sitting in pods. They can’t see each other at all. Then they get engaged. Then they see each other. The rest of the series follows the couples as they navigate life for a few (!) weeks before their wedding day, where they have to decide to get married or break up. Crazy right?
The show says that they are trying to decide if Love is “blind” or influenced by looks, social status and ethnicity. While that sounds like a noble concept the show is really anything but. As with any reality show, it is there for the drama and to see if these couples will actually get married at the end. And I am here for it.
So while most viewers are watching for the conflict or maybe even a happy ending, I can’t help but see relationship and divorce lessons. Want to know what they are? Read on.
So can” Love is Blind” teach you anything about divorce?
When I tell people that I am a divorce lawyer, they ask me about my own personal life. Do I believe in marriage? Would I ever want to get married myself? Don’t be fooled. I believe in love and I’ve seen many successful relationships. I root for love stories. I mean, I participate in a Bachelor Fantasy League for g*d sakes! Don’t judge I love it!
But, I can’t help watching these types of shows through the lens of a divorce lawyer. I just can’t stop identifying things that they do and say which, in my opinion, increase or decrease their chances of ending up in a divorce lawyer’s office. A hazard of the profession? Maybe. Helpful to you? Yes.
Are you thinking about getting married (or remarried)? Looking for advice to strengthen your union? Did you ever think that you’d find that kind of help from a reality show? Yes it’s possible.
So, without further ado, here are my six takeaways from “Love is Blind” and how you can use these tips to strengthen your own relationships.
- Communication is key;
- Fight fair;
- The real world (and it’s problems) matter;
- Know when to call it quits;
- Get a prenup; and
- Love isn’t blind. (Sorry Nick and Vanessa).
Disclaimer: There are spoilers in this article. If you haven’t watched “Love is Blind” yet (including the reunion episode!), bookmark this article and turn on Netflix ASAP. You can thank me in the comments later.
“Love is Blind” proves that communication is key
The hook of “Love is Bind” is that the parties don’t get to see each other before they get engaged. So, the only way they can form a connection with their potential match is through talking. A lot of talking. I was kind of scared that the whole show was just going to be these people in their separate pods, talking. Luckily for the audience it’s not.
Forming a bond through communication is key. In fact, lack of communication is the #1 reason that people get divorced. Your spouse is not a mind reader. I had one case where I swore that the parties were separating over a simple miscommunication. I often joked that if I could just lock them in a room together for a few hours they would get back together. Spoiler alert: No one took my suggestion.
So I appreciated the aspect of “Love is Blind” that focused on communication. It is important to form a bond over shared values and not just physical attraction. The show also confirms that after you form the initial bond you need to keep talking. Life is going to happen. Things change. Many of my clients get divorced because they stopped communicating, or at least one of them did, when life got tough.
These couples, some better than others, had to keep talking to see if they wanted to say “I do” at the end of the show. The couples that did this the best ended up making it. The ones that couldn’t communicate or hid their true feelings (ahem Kelly!) did not.
“Love is Blind” teach us not to forget to fight fair
So “Love is Blind” gave us two examples of how to not argue you with your partner: Carlton/Diamond and Giannina/Damian. Name-calling and “low blows” abounded between these two pairs. While their battles made for some great TV, they didn’t make for such great relationships.
First, Carlton and Diamond. They had to deal with a difficult topic, Carlton’s sexuality. I think that he should have told her about it in the pod before they got engaged and so I get Diamond being frustrated with him about that. However, both of their reactions during their in-person conversation (poolside no less) was not productive. How is swearing and name calling going to solve the problem? It won’t. Once you say things like that, they can be hard to take back. And you just end up in my office.
Giannina/Damian are another example of how low blows can only lead to hurt feelings and separation. Early into their living together, Giannina made comments to Damian, about his inability to satisfy her in bed because she was mad at him for something else. Woah! Red flag alert!!!
When you are married or in a serious relationship, you know your partner’s trigger points. Maybe it’s their height, weight, level of education, or, in this case, sexual prowess. Never use those points in a fight. It is beyond hurtful and can stick forever. Trust me, I’ve had clients bring up fights like this years later when discussing how much they dislike their partner.
So when you argue with your partner, be fair. Focus on the reason for the fight. Use “I” words. Don’t throw any low blows. Know when to walk away. Let go of the need to have the last word. And don’t throw engagement rings into pools. That’s just wasteful.
The real world does matter in “Love is Blind”
My biggest gripe about the Bachelor franchise (and yes I’m still going to keep watching it) is that their dates don’t show what life is like in the real world. Instead of helicopter rides or drinking champagne in hot tubs, they should show the couple trying to put together an Ikea bookshelf. Now that’s real life!
So I was happy to see that “Love in Blind” had the couples live together and meet their families before judgment day. Because like it or not, the real world (and the people in it) will influence your relationship.
You don’t live your life in a bubble do you? So how can you expect that day-to-day living won’t affect your marriage? It may have been boring, but I liked when Barnett and Amber were talking about her credit score and student loan debt. That’s real life. Money is a huge factor in a marriage and lack of communication about money can cause divorce. I know, I’ve seen it many times.
Also, I was happy to see the couples meet each other’s parents. Lauren and Cameron were worried about Papa Speed accepting him because of his race. I’m glad they showed that. Again, that’s real life. Sometimes love just ain’t enough. Having, or not having, the support of your family will affect the success of your relationship.
So before you get married, make sure that you are talking about these things: work, money, family, kids, and life goals. If you are your partner are not on the same page regarding these major issues, then you should be rethinking whether this relationship is right for you.
“Love is Blind” also teaches us to know when to call it quits
During some of my initial divorce consults the client will seem so nonchalant about their pending separation, that I wonder how much they fought to actually save their marriage. Did they give up at the first sign of trouble? Did they try counseling?
However, while it is important to give it your all in your relationship, it is just as important to know when to call it quits. This can be after you are married or before.
However, unlike Kelly, don’t wait until you are at the altar to do this. She clearly knew that she didn’t want to marry Kenny way before then. She kept pushing off sleeping with him. I think she saw him as a safe option and that, coupled with her fear of being alone, kept her in the relationship way too long.
So be a Kelly but do it sooner. It was right of her to call it off so that both of them can find actual love. While it may have seemed mean at the time, I think she actually did Kenny a favor.
“Love is Blind” reinforces my “as is” rule
Lots of clients will say to me, “we just want different things” or, “we don’t have anything in common anymore.” Is this you? I find those conversations really sad. Just like Kenny, your partner isn’t a bad person. He or she just isn’t the right person for you.
You can help avoid this by applying my “as is” rule. Think of your spouse as a used car that you buy “as is.” If you don’t like them as they come then they aren’t the person for you. Full stop.
Please don’t go into your relationship thinking that the person is going to change or grow on you. It’s not going to happen. Growing together is part of a successful marriage. Growing apart just leads to sadness and divorce.
“Love is Blind” reminds everyone to get a prenup
Okay you knew I had to get on my prenup soap box right? They got engaged after 10 days of talking through a wall. 10 DAYS PEOPLE! And then some got married 4 weeks later!!! C’mon when else would a prenup be more appropriate?
At the reunion show, Amber referenced that “Love Is Blind” had a divorce lawyer available to them so I am curious to see if this lawyer was also available pre-wedding to prepare prenups. I think prenups are for everyone. However, two couples in particular needed one: Jessica/Mark and Amber/Barnett.
In one scene, Jessica (aka Messica), talks about her career and being able to take care of herself financially. She also owns her own home. Do you think she wants to share what she created pre-relationship with 24 year old Mark if they got divorced? I doubt it! And honestly, I think this was a huge part of why she said “I don’t.”
What about Amber and Barnett? Barnett clearly is in a financially superior position to Amber. In one episode, they had a frank conversation about her $20,000 student loan debt and that she has no assets to her name. She also doesn’t seem to have any marketable job skills. Does he want to pay alimony if their marriage doesn’t work out? Give her a share of the value of his home? He could avoid those results with a prenup.
While Love is Blind may be a TV show, these scenarios happen in real life. Are they happening to you? This is why you (and these couples) need a prenup. All of these financial issues can be negotiated before the I do’s so that if your whirlwind, or not so whirlwind romance, doesn’t work out, you can walk away with what you brought in.
Love isn’t Blind
While Nick and Vanessa really wanted us to believe that love Is blind, I’m sorry to report that I don’t think that it is. And the show, regardless of what they said, proves this.
Yes, these couples got engaged without seeing each other. But they did see each other before they got married. And, they not only saw each other, they went on vacation, lived together, and met each other’s families. They talked about money. Obsessed over age differences (I mean give it is a rest Jessica!). Went to work.
If you could choose a mate over just talking then I could be engaged to my Alexa! I mean, she does tell me to have a good day . . . So as romantic as it sounds to form an unbreakable bound through conversation only, it is just not realistic.
No one proved this more than Mark and Jessica. Do I think Jessica obsessed too much about what society was going to think about their age and socio-economic differences? Yes and it was annoying. Like stop lady. You aren’t 60. This may have been even more annoying to me than her love of the Chicago Bears. Go Pack Go!
But like it or not, external forces do matter and they will affect your marriage. While Jessica’s realism may have been a little rude at times, it was accurate. You need to think about these things before dating and getting married. If you go in with “blind”ers on, your relationship is doomed to fail.
Final thoughts on “Love is Blind”
So I really did enjoy watching the show. It was a perfect break from the stress of current life. And through it’s escapism trashiness, I think you can find some great nuggets to strengthen your relationship. So don’t forget that:
- Communication is key;
- Fight fair;
- The real world (and it’s problems) matter;
- Know when to call it quits;
- Get a prenup; and
- Love isn’t blind. (Again, so sorry Nick and Vanessa).
What did you think of the show? Did you love it for all of it’s reality show nonsense? Find it a waste of 8 hours? Let me know in the comments!
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
Did you enjoy this tv/divorce review? Recommend another show or movie for me to write about! I’m definitely doing Marriage Story next week but let me know if you have any other suggestions. And stay tuned for that review!
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