Tips for Your First Family Court Hearing

Going to your first family court hearing can be a scary and stressful experience 😱. Trust me, I used to feel the same way too. And, I’ll let you in on a little secret, I still get nervous sometimes, especially when I have a custody trial or another matter where the stakes are very high. Just because you are looking forward to resolving your issue, doesn’t mean that you can’t still get anxious about the process. Be honest, are you a little scared to go to your family court hearing?

So, if I’m sometimes nervous when I go to family court, I can only imagine how my clients feel at their first family court hearing. Fear of the unknown is probably the most powerful fear there is, especially in divorce cases. What is going to happen to me? Will the judge believe what I say? What if he or she sides with my ex? Can I bring a water into the courthouse? What should I wear? From big to small, all these questions add up to a pretty fearful situation. Are any of these things running through your mind?

While I can’t completely remove all the stress and anxiety from your first family court hearing, I can 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗽𝘀 on what to do and what to expect. So in this article, I’ll discuss the following hacks for your first family court appearance:

• Understand what kind of family court hearing you are attending;
• Dress appropriately;
• Show up and be on time for your family court hearing;
• Don’t bring food or chew gum;
• Bring hearing paperwork and copies of your documents to your family court hearing;
• Keep your presentation brief;
• Understand the issues being addressed at the family court hearing; and
• Be respectful even if you are not happy with the result of your family court hearing.

Understand what kind of family court hearing you are attending

Not all family court hearings are created equal. Family court, perhaps more than other types of court (criminal, civil, etc.), is set up to get you and your former spouse/coparent to come to an agreement rather than litigate (i.e. fight over) your issue.

While every state is different, you generally will go to a conference, maybe even a few conferences, before you end up in front of a judge. While you may want to skip all these steps and go straight to the end, don’t think that way. These conference are actually a good thing for you and your case.

What happens at lower level family court hearings?

First, these lower level family court hearings are generally more informal. This allows you, your former partner, and your attorneys (if you have them) a chance to talk freely and perhaps come to a resolution of your dispute. You also don’t have to worry about producing evidence and witnesses in a formal manner, a la Law and Order. Rather, these hearings are generally conducted through attorney argument and discussion rather than witness-stand testimony.

Second, the person conducting these types of family court hearings, generally a conference officer or a special master, can give you a recommendation of how the case should settle. This can help you or your coparent become more realistic about the end result.

How?

For example, a custody conference officer can give his or her thoughts on whether you and your coparent should share physical custody or if it is likely a judge would allow you to relocate out of the area. Take those suggestions to heart. Often, if the conference officer thinks that way, your judge may too. You may not want to spend your money continuing to fight over an issue if it doesn’t appear that you are going succeed.

While these types of family court hearings may be less formal, please take them seriously. Be prepared with your facts and a proposed resolution. If you can settle your case at the lower level, you can save yourself a lot of stress and fear, not to mention the expense of additional litigation.

What happens when I see the judge?

However, there are times when you will be attending a formal trial in front of a judge. This is generally the last family court hearing for your issue, so treat it accordingly. While some judges may still try to conference and resolve your matter, others may not. The judge’s goal is to hear your evidence, make a decision and conclude your case. They simply don’t have the time to have lengthy settlement conferences after the previous ones have failed.

Remember, this is likely the last hearing for your issue, so make sure you present all the information relevant to your case! Just like they say at weddings, speak know or forever hold your peace. That mantra applies here. You can’t say to the judge, “I’ll send this to you later.” Judges will not consider information not presented in court. It is against the rules. So, if you don’t offer documents or witnesses at the trial, you lose that evidence.

Dress appropriately for your family court hearing

There is a time and a place for flip flops, sweat pants, and messy buns. However, your first family court hearing is not one of them. Like it or not, you will be judged by your appearance. This can affect your case. Here are some examples of how:

• Allegation in your custody case that you are disorganized and unclean? Make sure that your hair is under control and that you look like you’ve showered.
• Arguing that you don’t have enough money to pay your basic expenses? Don’t show up with freshly manicured nails and a designer handbag. The court will wonder how you can afford those things but can’t feed your kids.
• Other side is asserting that you are lazy and aren’t trying to get a job? Don’t look like you rolled off the couch for the first time this year.

Okay, the last one may have been a little harsh. But just like Lizzo says, the truth hurts. I’m not asking you to go out and spend hundreds of dollars on a new wardrobe. Chances are, you already have the right clothes to wear to your family court hearing in your closet.

You are likely only going to only attend a few family court hearings during the life of your matter. Therefore, make sure that you have one to two outfits that are court-appropriate. Still stumped as to what to wear? Check out my article, “What Should I Wear to Court?” where I give specific examples of what and what not to wear to your first family court hearing. I even give some suggestions where you can buy some affordable court wear.

Still not sure? Ask your attorney. They will certainly have an idea of what is appropriate for the family court hearing that you are attending.

Show up and be on time for your family court hearing

As a family law attorney for 10+ years, I’ve learned that nothing should go unsaid. So, you may think it’s obvious but I am here to remind you, no warn you, that when you get a notice for your first family court hearing, or really any court hearing, you need to go!!

I have clients regularly ask if they have to come to hearings. Even if you have an attorney, you still need to appear unless told otherwise. Why? Well, even if your lawyer knows everything about your case, they may need you to answer questions from the other side, conference officer or judge. For example, the other attorney could bring up an incident that you and your lawyer never discussed. Your lawyers need to be able to turn to you and ask about what was said so he or she can respond accordingly.

Also, and more importantly, clients need to approve all settlement agreements. Generally, attorneys can not agree to things on behalf of their clients. This is because the clients and not the lawyers will be held responsible if they don’t comply with the terms.

As such, not attending a family court hearing could be a missed opportunity to end your case. If you don’t attend a hearing, particularly a lower level one, then you lose an opportunity to settle the issue and conclude the case.

The math is simple. No clients = no agreement = no end to your case because you didn’t show. Talk about a waste of time and money!

If you can’t attend your family court hearing for some valid reason, speak to your attorney about it. They will likely ask for a postponement to a date that you can appear. Make sure that you do this as soon as you are aware of the hearing or conflict. This way you are more likely to have it moved so you can participate.

And be on time for your family court hearing too.

I know a judge that will start a hearing without a tardy client or lawyer, even it’s only five minutes. She takes her calendar very seriously. This is why I tell my clients to always arrive to their family court hearing at least 15 to 30 minutes early. You should do this too. Also, do you want the added stress of running late when you are already anxious? I don’t.

Being late is also a sign of disrespect. Do you want the conference officer or judge’s first impression of you to be that you are not taking the process or them seriously? Not the best way to get him or her on your side. If you do find yourself running behind, at least make an attempt to call the judge’s chambers or the conference officer’s staff to notify them of the delay. Then apologize profusely when you get there.

Don’t bring food or chew gum in your family court hearing

Nothing says that you are not taking this situation seriously like strolling in to your first family court hearing with a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup. And no, Starbucks doesn’t make it okay either. Keep the food and drink out of the courtroom. If you think that you will need a snack, pack something less likely to spill, like a bag of almonds or string cheese. You can keep it in your bag and fill up on a break. I keep almonds in my work bag for those times when I need a little pick me up. Nothing is worse than trying to argue for something when you are hangry.

Also, never chew gum while talking to a judge or conference officer. Again, we want the court to believe that you are taking the hearing and, more importantly, what they are saying seriously. Chewing gum does the opposite of that. Also, some courthouses have banned chewing gum because they are worried that it will be left under the tables or benches. Breaking court rules is never a good idea.

Bring your family court hearing paperwork and copies of your documents

Okay, so we’ve talked about what to do leading up to your first family court hearing. Now let’s talk about what to do at the hearing itself. Generally, you are going to be in court because either you or your former spouse/co-parent filed a document requesting that the court decide something. After that, the court issued a notice for you to appear and, sometimes, to bring certain paperwork with you to the family court hearing.

Whatever you are going to court for, I would suggest bringing the document that got you there (usually a complaint, motion or a petition) and the notice to appear. What else you should bring will depend on the issue for the family court hearing. Let’s discuss some possibilities.

What to bring to a child custody hearing

• Text messages and emails between parents: Be sure to print these out. Don’t expect to try to show your phone to the judge or hearing officer;
• Pictures: These can be helpful to show your home is suitable for your children or, if there are allegations of abuse, the bruises or cuts found on the children; and
• Police reports, medical records and school records: sometimes you may have to bring in someone from those agencies to authenticate them. If this is an issue in your case I suggest you talk to an attorney about how to do that.

Related: Child Custody Terms You Need to Know.

What to bring to a child support and/or spousal support hearing

• Tax returns, paystubs, and other official forms (like 1099s or W-2s if you live in the US) showing your income;
• Proof of health insurance and the cost;
• Documentation of childcare expenses, private school tuition, camp and extra-curriculars (if applicable);
• Any documentation that you having proving the other side’s income. This is particularly helpful if they are not a traditional wage earner and you believe that he/she will misreport their income to avoid a hefty child or spousal support obligation.

What to bring to a property division hearing

This list could be quite expansive. You don’t want to, nor should you, bring years and years of financial documents to your family court hearing. Chances are, you are going to have to prepare some kind of financial statement or inventory listing your assets and debts and submit it to the court beforehand. My suggestion is to only bring those financial documents that support the numbers in that statement. Examples of those are:

• Real estate appraisals;
• Reports regarding business valuations;
• Bank statements;
• Credit card statements; and
• Retirement account statements.

Related: 3 Easy Steps to Dividing Your Marital Property

Related: Divorce Terms You Need to Know

A word about copies and submitting records at your family court hearing

I hear the same complaint from court staff at almost every seminar I go to: the parties don’t bring enough copies!!! Make sure that you have at least 4 copies of every document that you plan to submit. You will be instantly ahead of the game if you follow this tip.

Also, do not expect that a judge will look at text messages, photos, videos, voicemails or emails on your phone. They need it in hard copy form. This is because if you want to introduce those items as an exhibit, the judge and his/her staff need to be able to keep a copy in the event there is an appeal or if you have to come back at a later date to finish your hearing. Do you want them to keep your phone? I didn’t think so.

Finally, if you plan on submitting video or audio evidence, make sure that it wasn’t obtained illegally. Some states, such as Pennsylvania, require both parties to consent to such recordings. If you don’t have that consent and you videotape them anyways, you are committing a crime. I see this a lot in custody cases. So, before you try to submit this “smoking gun” evidence against the other side, make sure that it doesn’t get you in trouble in the process.

Keep your presentation brief at your family court hearing

The biggest mistake that people can make at their first family court hearing is not staying on topic. Okay, harsh talk time again. The judge does not want to hear about every single mean thing that your ex did to you. They just don’t. They don’t have time for it and they probably don’t care.

You will win over the judge or conference officer by sticking to the issue that brought you to the hearing. Are you there about a custody contempt issue involving Christmas 2018? Then talk about that. Don’t bring up what he or she did on Christmas 10 years before.

Want to modify your child support order? The fact that your ex cheated on you is generally not going to help the court figure out what his/her income is.

I could go on and on. Need help narrowing it down?

Look at the document that was filed that resulted in the family court hearing. What does it say? Address that issue and that issue alone. Bring evidence that supports your argument on that issue. The judge will thank you. And you just might win too.

Understand the issues being addressed at your family court hearing

Do you even know why you are going to your first family court hearing? Maybe not. Divorce is the umbrella term for many issues: child support, child custody, alimony, property division, etc. Many times when you go to court, you are only there to talk about one of those issues, such as child custody. This means that topics such as who gets the house or how much money your former spouse earns will not be addressed.

I see a lot of clients get confused by this, particularly when it comes to child custody and child support. While, they see these issues as intertwined, the court often sees them as separate issues to be addressed by different decision makers.

For example, clients often ask if they can bring up who pays for camp or who is carrying the medical insurance at a custody hearing. In reality, those are issues for a child support hearing. The court may not have the authority to make a decision on them.

So how do you know what to address at your family court hearing?

Again, look at the document that resulted in the family court hearing appearance. What does it say? What topic is it about? Child custody? Child Support? Then, only address the issues and facts relevant to that topic.

You may be asking, but what do I do if I’m not sure and I don’t want to miss my opportunity to have the family court decide something? I get it, sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what you can and can’t talk about. If you are unsure, politely, ask the judge or conference officer, “is this the hearing where I bring up who pays for camp?” If he or she says no, stop talking and make sure you bring it up at the support hearing.

Remember to be respectful even if you are not happy with the result with your family court hearing

This tip may be the most important but the hardest to follow. It is very hard to have a third party make decisions about your life, particularly if they don’t agree with you. But, if you can’t come to an agreement to resolve your issue, it is going to be decided by a conference officer or a judge.

The harsh truth is that while you may believe 100% in your position, the judge or conference officer may not. Most likely, they will not agree fully with your former spouse/coparent’s opinion either. Rather, they are going to come down somewhere in the middle. This is why I also say that family court is not black and white, it’s just a whole lot of grey.

While you may be disappointed that the judge or conference officer decided against you, you can’t show it during your family court hearing. Arguing with the judge or making facial gestures to indicate your displeasure at his/her decision isn’t going to make them change their mind. In fact, it may make them less inclined to find in your favor. I once had a conference with a judge where the other side (a father without a lawyer) swore at her. Do you think that got her to change her ruling?

So how do you deal with this?

The best way to deal with this is to avoid a family court hearing and settle your case. However, sometimes that is not possible. If the court must decide your issue, then you need to be prepared for all outcomes prior to the hearing and have realistic expectations.

In order to do this, you need to look at all sides of your case. What do you want to happen? How does your former spouse/coparent think the case should be resolved? What are some options in between? By taking a non-passionate look at your argument, you can start to form some possible outcomes. Sitting with those outcomes generally makes the ultimate decision a little bit easier to swallow.

Are you ready for your first family court hearing?

Heading to your first family court hearing for the first time is scary. Take some of the fear out of your first family court hearing by following my tips:

• Understand what kind of family court hearing you are attending;
• Dress appropriately;
• Show up and be on time for your hearing;
• Don’t bring food or chew gum;
• Bring hearing paperwork and copies of your documents;
• Keep your presentation brief;
• Understand the issues being addressed at the hearing; and
• Be respectful even if you are not happy with the result.

Have a question about going to family court? Another tip that you think I should add to this list? Leave me a comment below!

Looking for what you should do next to help you to get to your best post-divorce life?

Want to make sure that you don’t miss any of my other tips and tricks for navigating the divorce process? Make sure that you sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers. You’ll get a FREE post-divorce checklist just for signing up!

Or, have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do next? It can be difficult to determine where to start first. Don’t worry. I got you! Get my FREE checklist for what to do when you are newly separated. You don’t want to miss it!

Have a question about another divorce or child custody that you aren’t sure who to ask? Leave a comment below or send me an email!