Staying Sane as a Divorce Lawyer? 7 Key Tips

Whenever I tell someone what I do for a living (other lawyers included) I usually get the following response: “Wow you must having some crazy stories!” This is inevitably followed by, “I could never do that.” Trust me, I get it. Staying sane as a divorce lawyer can be tough.

Instead of meeting people on their best day, I am likely meeting them on one of their worst. I’m sure you never thought then when you were dancing to the Electric Slide at your reception, that you’d be reading a blog like this did you? Chances are, you, like most divorce clients, are resentful of the whole process. Which includes me as well as your spouse.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I love my clients. I’ve met some awesome people doing this job. However, there is no denying that practicing this area of law can be emotionally and mentally draining. Over the years, I’ve come up with some rules to prevent emotional and mental burnout.

But don’t think these just apply to divorce lawyers. I think anyone in a stressful job could find these hacks useful. So, in the tradition of #selfcaresunday, here are my 7 key tips for staying sane as a divorce lawyer:

1. Set limits on client contact

I don’t check work emails after 8:00 p.m. or before 8:00 a.m. Obviously, there are times when this rule needs to be broken, like when there is a hearing the next day or I am in settlement negotiations with a looming deadline. Otherwise, I’m pretty strict about this. It’s really the only way to create boundaries. And boundaries are needed if you are working on staying sane as a divorce lawyer.

On the weekends (a/k/a prime self-care time), I respond to work emails on a very limited basis. I’m not friends with my clients on Facebook (unless I was friends with them before they were clients). Everyone needs an off switch and if you are open like a 7-11 you are going to start to feel like one.

2. No texting with clients or opposing counsel

I don’t text with my clients or the other side. I don’t think the same way I discuss Game of Thrones (#teamArya) should be the same method I use to communicate about a pressing support issue or negotiate a custody agreement. To me, it’s just too intimate of contact for work topics. Speaking of Game of Thrones…

3. Have a passion outside of work is essential for staying sane as a divorce lawyer

Reading, knitting, riding dragons, whatever. You need a life outside of work. If you don’t have one, get one. Clients will come and go but your sanity has to remain.

For me, I love sports. Every weekend in the fall you can find me watching my two favorite football teams. I get together with friends and make a big outing out of it. I’m also very involved in volunteer work and I am pretty obsessed with my dogs. Having these activities to look forward to really helps me put the stress of work aside on the weekends.

4. Staying sane by repeating this divorce lawyer mantra, “exercise is your friend”

I believe that exercise plays a significant role in preserving my mental health. It is a period of time each day (about an hour) where I am totally devoted to myself and my well-being. I work out every morning and it really disrupts my day if an early court hearing prevents me from doing that.

I’m not saying you have to be an early bird. Sometimes, after a particularly frustrating day, I enjoy a yoga class or a ride on my spin bike to work stuff out. Whenever it is, make the time.

5. Vent to other divorce lawyers is key to staying sane as a divorce lawyer

The judge I clerked for called joking about divorce law “gallows humor.” She said if we didn’t joke about it we wouldn’t be able to stand it. She’s right. I count many divorce lawyers as great friends. We get together to swap stories, exchange ideas, and, yes, laugh about the craziness we see. Having people who truly understand my job has been a blessing to me. So if you aren’t friends with other divorce lawyers, get some.

6. Don’t let the job ruin your personal life

It’s easy to become jaded about love, trust, and human nature in this area of law. In fact, a lot of people ask me if I want to get married given what I see on a daily basis. I think doing this kind of work is actually a great teaching tool. Divorce lawyers can use what we see to teach ourselves what not to do and to strengthen our relationships with others.

However, this isn’t true for everybody. Don’t let the drama and turmoil of your cases bleed into your life after-hours. This is another reason to set up boundaries with your clients. Sometimes you need to prioritize your own personal relationships ahead of your clients’ needs.

7. You can’t stay sane if you can’t give yourself a break!

I have to admit I’m still working on this one. Contrary to the old lawyer stereotype, most lawyers I know are very responsive to their clients and want to do their very best. But we can only solve so many problems. We can’t get you a new parent for your child or give your spouse a lobotomy.

It is very hard for me to tell a client that there are limits to what I can do. I wish I was Superwoman and could fix everything! I would look awesome wearing a cape too. But lawyers can’t fix it all.

And we can’t be hard on ourselves when we cannot. Self-care is all about fostering your well-being. We must recognize our limits and work within in them for the benefit of ourselves and those that we represent. We’ll help a lot more people (and ourselves) in the long run.

Interested in becoming a divorce lawyer? Want to know how you can use these tips in your life? Let me know in the comments!