When I was younger, I’m pretty sure I dressed up as a punk rocker for Halloween for 5 years straight. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what a punk rocker is or was, I just really liked the wig that came with the costume. While I don’t dress up anymore, I still have some Halloween traditions. Hocus Pocus anyone?? Chances are, you and your children may have some traditions for Halloween and other holidays too.
Remember, Halloween is just the start of the holiday season. So the rules for this holiday apply to the other holidays of Thanksgiving, Hanukah, and Christmas as well, maybe even more so.
Do you make cookies for Christmas? Fight over the wishbone on Thanksgiving? Are you worried that those holiday traditions are going to change because you and your coparent are getting divorced?
I talk a lot about how divorce is a time of change and transition on this site. If you are going through the process you are living it. It is not only a time of upheaval for you, but also for your kids. What is something that is consistent? Holidays! Like them or not they come every year. And at the same time too!
So what can you do to make Halloween and the rest of the holidays a treat vs. a trick after your divorce?
The desire for normalcy is one reason why parents fight so hard for extra time with their children during Halloween, holidays and other special occasions. People want to keep whatever part of their pre-divorce life that was good. For some, that is the memories that they have made with their children during the holidays.
However, there are ways to survive the holidays as a divorced or separated parent, and no I’m not talking about how to avoid fruitcakes and stale Halloween candy.
Here are my 5 tips for making it through this Halloween and the rest of the holidays as a divorced parent:
1. Don’t make the holidays about yourself.
I think the best way to illustrate this is with an example. This is the first year that Mom and Dad are separated. Mom still lives in the neighborhood that the children grew up in. This year, Halloween is on Dad’s custodial day. Mom has suggested that Dad take the children trick or treating in Mom’s neighborhood so that they can spend time with their friends and see their costumes, something that she knows the children will enjoy and have done in years past.
To make Dad feel more comfortable, Mom has even offered to leave the neighborhood for a few hours so he doesn’t have to worry about her infringing on his time. Despite this offer, Dad says no and wants the children to trick or treat in his neighborhood where they don’t know anybody.
Who is acting in the best interest of the children in the above scenario?
Mom, who is making the holidays all about what the kids will enjoy? Or Dad, who wants to do what he wants to do regardless of the kids’ feelings about it? If you guessed Mom, you are right!
Frankly, the holidays are about your kids. Not you. Make sure when you are making plans or, more importantly, denying the plans of the other parent, that you keep this in mind.
While it is important that you get to spend time with your children during the holidays, try to arrange it so the children get to participate in an activity that they will enjoy, such as trick or treating with friends, while still seeing you. In this case, if Dad would have agreed with Mom he would have both seen his children and they would have been able to participate in a favorite activity. Isn’t that a win-win for everyone? Why say no?
Don’t get blinded by your hatred for the other parent and hurt your children in the process. That is not a lasting memory you want them to have.
2. Keep the traditions of your pre-divorce holidays alive.
Frankly, I don’t think parties take family traditions into consideration enough when preparing custody arrangements for holidays. It’s almost as if the separation has caused amnesia and mom can’t remember that the children have spent every Easter hunting for eggs in father’s aunt’s backyard. While it is important for the children to see both parents on major holidays, it is also important for those children to continue to experience family holiday traditions.
Remember, the children did not ask for this divorce and they didn’t ask for their whole world to change. Why should they suffer because their parents don’t want to be together anymore? Instead wouldn’t it be better to try to keep some parts of their lives as consistent as possible, especially when so many parts are in transition?
Therefore, I suggest that any custody agreement takes these traditions into account. For example, maybe dad can have the children every Easter for the egg hunting extravaganza but mom could take them out to breakfast beforehand? Again, it’s a win-win. And who doesn’t like winning?
Related: 7 Tips for Creating a Custody Agreement
3. Be willing to start new traditions for your post-divorce holidays.
While it is important for you and your coparent to keep some consistency in your children’s lives after separation, you also have to recognize that this is not 100% possible. You and the other parent live in separate homes, perhaps with step-parents and step-siblings. As much as you try, there is no way to make life the same post-divorce as it was pre-divorce.
And you know what? That’s okay. Kids are pretty resilient. So while it is beneficial for them to keep some traditions of pre-divorce holidays alive, it is okay to start new ones. Intact families do that all the time too!
So, when preparing a custody arrangement think about what holiday traditions matter to your kids, and to you, the most. For example, is having Thanksgiving at Grandma’s house the highlight of the year for your coparent’s family? Is your family wild about an Easter Sunday egg hunt? If so, make sure that your custody agreement accommodates these holiday traditions.
Then, when it is your time to see the kids on your part of the holiday, you can make a new tradition. For example, maybe accommodating your coparent’s Thanksgiving custodial time results in you not seeing your kids until Friday. Why not have dinner then? Or maybe you can start a Black Friday tradition of shopping and brunch?
While it is important to preserve family holiday traditions, you can’t be married to the past when you are, you know, no longer married. This way, the children see both parents and get to experience something memorable with both of them. Something old, something new.
4. Be flexible and communicate with your co-parent about the holidays.
No, I’m not talking about taking up yoga. The holiday season can be a time of fun but it also can be a time of stress. Chances are, you are dealing with other family member’s schedules, school parties, and other non-routine obligations. Oh, Aunt Sue is serving Thanksgiving dinner at 4 instead of 12 this year? The school party got moved to Tuesday? Sound familiar?
This means that your custody schedule may need some tweaking during this time. Your custody agreement can not address all these changes. It just can’t. Therefore, you and your coparent are going to have to talk to one another and be flexible.
However, one of the most often cited reasons for divorce is communication problems. Therefore, it is likely that you and the other parent have a hard time speaking to one another in a productive manner. Does this apply to you? While you may wish to never speak to him/her again, that is not possible if you have children.
So how can you best communicate with your co-parent about these changes?
While texting is quick and easy, I find that it leads to a lot of unnecessarily acrimonious communication. It’s so easy to shoot off an angry text to your coparent when they are late or didn’t pack your kid’s soccer gear. If you had to use a method of communication that took more thought would you still send that text? Probably not.
Therefore, if you and your co-parent have a hard time communicating effectively, I highly suggest that you look into using co-parenting software to help facilitate communication such as Talking Parents App or Our Family Wizard. This is particularly helpful if your coparent’s mode of response is well, no response at all. These programs also make you think about what you are saying to your coparent because they require a few more steps than a text.
There are a few co-parenting apps on the market. However, two that I recommend are Talking Parents App and Our Family Wizard (OFW). I suggest you check them both out and see what works best for you. OFW does a few things. It allows parties to email, exchange documents, and share a calendar all through a secure site that requires a login. It will even review your emails before you send them to highlight foul or aggressive language. Gmail doesn’t do that, does it?
Regardless of which method of communication works for you, use it. However, don’t use your children as messengers. It is not fair to your kid to be treated like the postal service. It only causes anxiety for them. Agree upon the best way for you to communicate directly with the other parent and use it when schedule changes during the holidays arise.
5. Recognize that your children are going to spend part of the holidays away from you-and be okay with it.
The cold hard fact of a divorce or separation is that you are not going to be able to be with your children 100% of the time. And, because cutting your children in half is illegal, this fact is not going to change.
This is particularly hard for parents to accept when it comes to holidays. Some of my clients can’t fathom not waking up with the children on Christmas morning or only seeing them in their costumes every other Halloween.
However, this is reality of divorce and separation. And you need to learn how to be okay with that.
Some examples of how to deal with your emotions during the holidays
- Share updates and pictures from the holidays with your coparent;
- Maximize your time with the children surrounding the holidays. For example, have them try on their Halloween costumes for you or reenact Christmas morning on December 26th;
- Don’t sit home alone and wallow. Just because you don’t have your kids doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go to Aunt Becky’s house for Christmas dinner yourself;
- Practice some self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup; and
- Think about how much fun your children are having. Remember, this is about them and not you. Knowing they are experiencing joy may make it easier for you to sacrifice your holiday time with them.
If you are still struggling with your thoughts about the divorce and the holidays, check out the Better Apart MasterClass, which helps you shift your mindset and sets you on the path to your best post-divorce life. And, if you subscribe to my newsletter, I’ll send you my promo code for $30 off the course!
Don’t forget these tips during the holidays this year.
So yes, the holidays are upon us but don’t be scared or sad. Remember my 5 tips for surviving the holiday season as a divorced parent:
- Don’t make the holidays about yourself;
- Keep holiday traditions alive;
- Be willing to start new holiday traditions;
- Be flexible and communicate; and
- Recognize that your children are going to spend part of the holidays away from you- and be oaky with it.
Have another tip that I missed? How have you handled holidays as a divorced or separated parent? Let me know if the comments!
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