Is This Your First Thanksgiving After Divorce?

Ah, Thanksgiving. I’m pretty sure that it is my favorite holiday. Yes, I like it even more than Christmas. However, I know that some people (i.e. you) may be feeling anxiety about this Turkey Day, particularly if it is your first Thanksgiving after divorce. Are you worried that this holiday isn’t going to be so special because you are separated or divorced?

I talk a lot about how divorce is a time of change and transition on this site. If you are going through the process you are living it. It is not only a time of upheaval for you, but also for your kids. What is something that is consistent? Holidays! Like them or not, they come every year.

So what can you do to make this first Thanksgiving after divorce about gratitude instead of struggle?

The desire for normalcy is one reason why parents fight so hard for extra time with their children during Thanksgiving, holidays and other special occasions. People want to keep whatever part of their pre-divorce life that was good. For some, that is the memories that they have made with their children during the Thanksgiving and the rest of the holiday season.

However, there are ways to survive the holidays as a divorced or separated parent, and no I’m not talking about how to avoid Aunt Martha and jellied cranberry sauce. Yes, I am anti-jelled can cranberry sauce. Disagree? You can let me know how you feel about that in the comments or send me an email!

But don’t worry, I’m here to help your during this Thanksgiving and the rest of this holiday season. And no, not by telling you where to buy elastic waist pants. Instead, I’m giving you my 5 tips for making it through this first Thanksgiving after your divorce:

1. Don’t make this first Thanksgiving after divorce about yourself.

While you may love waking up at 5:00 a.m. for the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot, the holidays are about your kids. Not you. Make sure when you are making plans or, more importantly, denying the plans of the other parent, that you keep this in mind.

This is particularly true if this is your first Thanksgiving after divorce. You may be so focused on having your children for this first holiday in your “new normal” that you may lose sight of what is really best for them.

While it is important that you get to spend time with your children during the Thanksgiving break, try to arrange it so the children get to participate in an activity that they will enjoy while still seeing you.

For example, what if your co-parent’s family often comes in from out of town? What if your children love spending time with them and don’t get to see them often? Make sure that your children get to see them while they are here.

This doesn’t mean that you have to give up all of your custodial time during the Thanksgiving break. However, you can arrange it in a way that you will both allow you to see your children while they get to participate in another fun family activity. Isn’t that a win-win for everyone? Why say no?

Don’t get blinded by your hatred for the other parent and hurt your children in the process. In the end, they will remember more about how you kept them away from your co-parent and this activity rather than what you did with them during your custodial time. That is not a lasting memory you want them to have is it?

2. Keep family traditions alive during your first Thanksgiving after divorce.

Frankly, I don’t think parents take family traditions into consideration enough when preparing custody arrangements for holidays. It’s almost as if the separation has caused amnesia and mom can’t remember that the children have spent every Thanksgiving at father’s aunt’s house playing flag football.  While it is important for the children to see both parents on major holidays, it is equally important for the children to keep some family holiday traditions, particularly during the first Thanksgiving after divorce.

Remember, the children did not ask for this divorce and they didn’t ask for their whole world to change.  Why should they suffer because their parents don’t want to be together anymore? Instead wouldn’t it be better to try to keep some parts of their lives as consistent as possible, especially when so many parts are in transition?

Therefore, I suggest that any custody agreement takes these traditions into account.  For example, maybe you and your co-parent could split Thanksgiving so that the children would be with him or her during the football game and you could have them later in the day? Again, it’s a win-win. And who doesn’t like winning?

Related: 7 Tips for Creating a Custody Agreement

3. Be willing to start new Thanksgiving traditions during your first Thanksgiving after divorce.

While it is important for you and your co-parent to keep some consistency in your children’s lives after separation, you also have to recognize that this is not 100% possible. You and the other parent live in separate homes, perhaps with step-parents and step-siblings. As much as you try, there is no way to make life the same post-divorce as it was pre-divorce.

And you know what? That’s okay. Kids are pretty resilient. So while it is beneficial for them to keep some holiday traditions alive, it is okay to start new ones. Intact families do that all the time too!

So, when preparing a custody arrangement, think about what holiday traditions matter to your kids, and to you, the most. For example, is having Thanksgiving at Grandma’s house the highlight of the year for your co-parent’s family? If so, make sure that your custody agreement accommodates that holiday tradition.

Then, when it is your time to see the kids on your part of the holiday, you can make a new tradition. For example, maybe you won’t see your children until Friday. Why not have dinner then? Who says you have to eat on Thanksgiving? Or maybe you can start a Black Friday tradition of shopping and brunch?

Making new traditions during your first Thanksgiving after your divorce doesn’t just mean choosing when to eat. It’s also the little things. What about doing some craft projects during your time together? Just because you aren’t having the big meal together on Thursday doesn’t mean that you can’t make some new Thanksgiving memories.

While it is important to preserve family holiday traditions, you can’t be married to the past when you are, you know, no longer married. This way, the children see both parents and get to experience something memorable with both of them. Something old, something new for your first Thanksgiving after divorce.

4. Be flexible and communicate with your co-parent.

No, I’m not talking about taking up yoga. The holiday season can be a time of fun but it also can be a time of stress. Traveling with kids, making food, dealing with family members you don’t like, it can be a lot, particularly if you are already stressed about your divorce or separation.

Chances are, you are also dealing with other family member’s schedules, school parties, and other non-routine obligations. Oh, Aunt Sue is serving Thanksgiving dinner at 4 instead of 12 this year? The school party got moved to Tuesday? Sound familiar?

This means that your custody schedule may need some tweaking during this time. Your custody agreement can not address all these changes. It just can’t. Therefore, you and your coparent are going to have to talk to one another and be flexible.

However, one of the most often cited reasons for divorce is communication problems. Therefore, it is likely that you and the other parent have a hard time speaking to one another in a productive manner. Does this apply to you? While you may wish to never speak to him/her again, that is not possible if you have children.

So how can you best communicate with your co-parent about these changes?

While texting is quick and easy, I find that it leads to a lot of unnecessarily acrimonious communication. It’s so easy to shoot off an angry text to your coparent when they are late or didn’t pack your kid’s soccer gear. If you had to use a method of communication that took more thought would you still send that text? Probably not.

Therefore, if you and your co-parent have a hard time communicating effectively, I highly suggest that you look into using co-parenting software to help facilitate communication. This is particularly helpful if your coparent’s mode of response is well, no response at all. These programs also make you think about what you are saying to your co-parent because they require a few more steps than a text.

There are a few co-parenting apps on the market. However, the one that I recommend the most and see judges where I practice recommend is Our Family Wizard (OFW).  OFW does a few things.  It allows parties to email, exchange documents, and share a calendar all through a secure site that requires a login. It will even review your emails before you send them to highlight foul or aggressive language.  Gmail doesn’t do that, does it?

Regardless of which method of communication works for you, use it.  However, don’t use your children as messengers. It is not fair to your kid to be treated like the postal service. It only causes anxiety for them.  Agree upon the best way for you to communicate directly with the other parent and use it when schedule changes arise.

5. Recognize that your children are going to spend part of Thanksgiving away from you – and be okay with it.

The cold hard fact of a divorce or separation is that you are not going to be able to be with your children 100% of the time. And, because cutting your children in half is illegal, this fact is not going to change.

This is particularly hard for parents to accept when it comes to holidays, particularly the first Thanksgiving after divorce. However, this is the reality of divorce and separation. And you need to learn how to be okay with that.

Need some ideas for dealing with being kid-free on your first Thanksgiving after divorce?

Here are some:

• Share updates and pictures from the holidays with your coparent;
• Maximize your time with the children surrounding the Thanksgiving break. For example, participate in some art projects, have dinner on Saturday, or make Black Friday a big production;
• Don’t sit home alone and wallow. Just because you don’t have your kids doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go to Aunt Becky’s house for Thanksgiving dinner yourself;
• Don’t allow other family members to make you feel bad about your divorce or the fact that you are away from your children during this time. Need help with this one? Check out these tips;
• You can’t pour from an empty cup. Practice some self-care; and
• Think about how much fun your children are having. Remember, this is about them and not you. Knowing they are experiencing joy may make it easier for you to sacrifice your holiday time with them.

If you are still struggling with your thoughts about the divorce and the holidays, check out the Better Apart MasterClass, which helps you shift your mindset and sets you on the path to your best post-divorce life. And, if you subscribe to my newsletter, I’ll send you my promo code for $30 off the course!

Do you have everything that you need for your first Thanksgiving after divorce?

So yes, Thanksgiving is upon us but don’t be scared or sad. Remember my 5 tips for surviving your first Thanksgiving after divorce:

1. Don’t make this Thanksgiving about yourself;
2. Keep traditions alive during your first Thanksgiving after divorce;
3. Be willing to start new Thanksgiving traditions;
4. Be flexible and communicate with your coparent; and
5. Recognize that your children are going to spend part of Thanksgiving away from you- and be oaky with it.

Have another tip that I missed? How did you handle your first Thanksgiving after divorce or separation? Or is this your first one? Let me know if the comments!

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