Does your divorce affect every aspect of your life? I’m not talking about the usual stuff, like custodial exchanges or talking to your attorney about your case. No, I’m talking about every conversation, every action, every waking moment, you are thinking about your divorce. Is this you? If so, we need to talk about divorce self care.
Not sure is this applies to you? Let’s see. Do you do some or any of the following:
- Your divorce is affecting your performance at work regularly;
- Every conversation that you have with friends and family relates to your divorce;
- You have no outside interests or you have stopped participating in activities that you enjoyed prior to your separation;
- Your children are a sounding board for your feelings;
- Finding pleasure in any part of life is difficult;
- The divorce process has caused you to experience situational depression or panic attacks; and
- You feel that your divorce is case is a second job and treat it accordingly.
Do you check any of these boxes? One? Some? All of them? Don’t worry, I got you! We can fix this! Here are my 7 tips for practicing divorce self care:
- Seek professional divorce self care help;
- Maintain a routine;
- Take a divorce case break;
- Ask friends and family to not bring up your divorce;
- Don’t become a hermit;
- Exercise social media divorce self care; and
- Move your body.
Seek professional divorce self care help.
The end of a relationship is stressful and emotional. Clients often need the help of a mental health professional to talk about their feelings and gain tools to cope with the separation. Remember, it is generally more cost effective to vent to a therapist than your attorney.
Sometimes, a person’s feelings about the end of their marriage can affect their ability to co-parent with their ex, perform at their job, find love again and/or just get through the day. That makes sense right?
If you have unresolved issues about the demise of your marriage and/or extreme resentment with the way things ended, how are you supposed to get up and move on?
Individual counseling
I personally think that everyone, particularly those going through divorce, can benefit from individual counseling. However, finding the right mental health professional is very important. And can be difficult. Not all therapy or therapists approach treatment in the same way. If you don’t feel comfortable with the first person you select, find someone else. While it may be hard to also break up with your therapist, what is the point to continue to spend time and money on therapy if it’s not working?
So how do you find the right therapist?
If you are struggling to find the right counselor, ask your regular physician for a recommendation. You can also search through your insurance company’s provider directory. Those directories allow you to filter for certain areas of concern so you can more easily find someone who fits your needs. Finally, your divorce lawyer may have some ideas. I have met and worked with a lot of individual therapists over the years. It is likely that you attorney has as well and can give you some names in your geographical area.
Self-paced divorce self care: The Better Apart Masterclass
While individual counseling can be beneficial, I recognize that some people don’t have the time or the funds for their own therapist. Or, you may have a therapist but need some extra specialized help when it comes to dealing with the divorce process. Does either of these cases apply to you?
Either way, please now that you don’t need to keep struggling with the emotions of your divorce on your own.
Do you want to learn how to deal with them but don’t how to get there? What if I told you there was help available?
Recently, through the power of social media, I connected with Gabrielle Hartley, a divorce lawyer, co-author of Better Apart (recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow!), divorce coach extraordinaire, and the Better Apart Master Class.
The Better Apart MasterClass, is a six-week, self-paced online course to help you up-level your mindset and thrive through and beyond your divorce. This course is designed to be a companion beyond your lawyer’s office or your therapist’s couch.
What do you learn in the Better Apart Masterclass?
Better Apart dives into 5 elements – Patience, Respect, Peace, Clarity, and Forgiveness. In just 6 weeks, you will feel lighter, calmer, more peaceful and clear on the life you want to live moving forward into the next chapter of your life.
I had a chance to walk through the course with Gabrielle herself and I was impressed. I wouldn’t be tell you about this course if I wasn’t.
The best part of the Better Apart Masterclass is that it is super interactive. You aren’t just reading articles. There are videos with Gabrielle herself, journaling prompts and exercises, as well as the option to add on a live group call. It’s really everything you need to guide you into the next chapter of your life! Well, except the Divorce Lawyer Life of course!
Want to learn more? Check out my full review of the class. Also, for a limited time, you can get $30 off on The Better Apart MasterClass with my code. Want to know what it is? Subscribe to my newsletter and I’ll send it right to you! What are you waiting for? Get start moving forward to your best post-divorce life!
Maintaining a routine is essential for divorce self care.
Has your divorce really thrown you for a loop? As you know, a divorce can throw your whole life into upheaval. And I’m not just talking about your emotions. Even your general schedule can be changed.
For example, did your spouse take your kids to school? Get them off the bus? Has this changed because you are now divorced?
Or, did you spouse make dinner and now you are eating take out because you don’t know how (or don’t like) to cook?
I say it all the time, divorce is a time of transition. However, you can bring a sense of normalcy back to your life, and practice divorce self care, by maintaining a routine. While it may be different than it was pre-divorce, having one is essential.
So how do you decide on your routine? Well, this takes some introspection. And a calendar. You need to look at the demands of your new life. When do you have to get the kids to school? When do you have to be home? Can you cook on the weekends to avoid take out every night?
Make a plan and stick to it. I’m personally a member of the Do It Scared Community. I follow Ruth’s guides to power planning for the week every Friday afternoon. It really helps me organize my week and bring sanity to my multi-faceted life.
While many of the members are entrepreneurs, they are also busy people who want to bring order to their lives. Is this you? If you think you need some help with developing a post divorce routine I really encourage you to check it out.
Take a divorce case break for some divorce self care.
Is the stress of finalizing your divorce getting to be too much for you? Is every waking moment spent on your case? Do not make your divorce case your life. I’ll say (type) that again:
Do not make your divorce case your life!
Okay I’m pretty sure I was loud enough the second time. Over the years, I have had clients who were obsessed with their divorce case. I spoke to them every day about it. Most of those calls were initiated by them. And when they weren’t speaking with me, they were reviewing documents and doing research. Or they were looking for a hidden asset, a gotcha moment, and/or even hiring a private investigator to find out some dirt on their ex.
Be honest: Is this you?
While it is important to be an informed client and to be responsive to your attorneys, you should not be thinking about your divorce case 24/7. It is not healthy. Let your attorney do their job. Focus that extra energy on a new activity or spending time with friends and family. You can’t move on if you are stuck in the past.
Also, recognize when it is time to stop fighting. The best word in a divorce is OVER. Don’t keep fighting when the case is done. Again, it is not emotionally or financially healthy. Also, if you are stuck in the process there is no way you can move on to your best post divorce life!
Ask friends and family to not bring up your divorce.
For some of my clients, their divorce is truly a family affair. They have very involved parents or siblings who are intimately familiar with their case. While having multiple people know about your situation can be helpful, it can also perpetuate a constant discussion about your separation. Again, an everlasting discussion about your ex or your divorce is the opposite of divorce self care.
So, what can you do about it?
First, avoid bringing the topic up to them, particularly if you are in social settings or at holiday gatherings. No one wants to talk about your divorce over the Christmas ham. I mean, do you?
Second, if you have a family member or friend that is always bring up your ex or your case, tell them to stop. You have every right to keep part of your life private. While they are likely well-meaning, explain to them that you don’t want to focus on the past but rather on the future. They will likely back off. If they don’t then perhaps you need to lessen contact with that person while you go through the divorce process.
Part of divorce self care is letting go and saying no. While you may think that applies to your ex, it can apply to family and friends as well. If having contact with them during this time of transition causes added stress then perhaps you need to say no to them for awhile as well. Remember, you need to take care of yourself first.
Divorce self care means don’t become a hermit.
It may be really easy to want to just keep to yourself during this transitional time. Perhaps you are worried about money. Or you are afraid that every social interaction will result in a conversation about your divorce. Maybe you just don’t like life right now.
Is this you?
Well you have two options. You can sit and wallow or you can get up and do something!!! I hope you choose the latter.
Reading, knitting, running club, dungeons and dragons, watching the latest season of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, whatever. You need a life outside of your divorce. If you don’t have one, get one. Now.
For me, I love sports. Every weekend in the fall you can find me watching my two favorite football teams. I get together with friends and make a big outing out of it.
I’m also very involved in volunteer work and I am pretty obsessed with my dogs. Having these activities to look forward to really helps me put the stress of life aside. More importantly, it helps me focus on something other than my job.
These activities can do the same for you. Having something to look forward to can help with the stress of your divorce. Don’t let your divorce become all consuming.
Exercise social media divorce self care.
Are you and your ex still connected on Facebook and Instagram? Do you have mutual friends that let you know everything that he or she posted? Are you using social media to post passive aggressive quotes and messages hoping that he or she will see them?
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. I mean, who hasn’t stalked an ex and accidentally liked their picture on instagram from three months ago at 3:00 a.m. Anyone, anyone? But while it may sting to see someone that ghosted you tagged in a picture with a new significant other, the pain of remaining connected to your ex-spouse is ten fold. Do you agree?
Yes? Then exercise some divorce self care and stop torturing yourself by maintaining a connection on social media!
There is nothing good that will come from keeping track of your ex’s social media exploits. It will only prevent you from healing from your divorce. Rip off the band-aid! Unlink your accounts and ask your friends to keep anything they see to themselves.
Move your body to exercise divorce self care (literally).
I believe that exercise plays a significant role in preserving my mental health and I think that it is a critical part of divorce self care. As I said before, you can’t take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself. Even if it is just for twenty minutes. Give yourself this time each day where you are totally devoted to yourself and your well-being.
Exercising has several benefits that can help you during the divorce process. First, exercise is a known stress reliever. I like to think that the sweat gets out all the anxiety and stress I am feeling. And, what is more stressful than a divorce?
Second, when people separate from their spouse, they often lose self confidence. What is more damaging to your ego than someone making a conscious decision to not want to be in a relationship with you? Exercise can help you feel better about your body, and thus yourself.
Third, it gets your mind off of your situation. For 20 or 30 minutes you can think about something else, even if it’s how much I hate sit ups. Hey, it’s better than thinking about your ex, right? And even a 10 minute break can be reenergizing.
What divorce self care tips will you use?
I get it. Maybe you think that you just don’t have time for divorce self care right now. Maybe you are just focused on surviving, both emotionally and financially. Or maybe you’re a parent just focused on helping everyone around you get through this transition time.
You can’t keep thinking this way! Divorce self care is all about helping yourself. You can’t show up for your family if you can’t take care of you. You deserve this support. More importantly, you deserve to have a thriving, happy life through and beyond the divorce process.
I think that you know this. You’ve already taken the first steps by seeking out advice and coming here!
So, it may seem like too much to do all of these divorce self care tips right now. That’s okay. By just picking one you are exercising divorce self care. And that is enough. A reminder of what they are:
- Seek professional divorce self care help;
- Maintain a routine;
- Take a divorce case break;
- Ask friends and family to not bring up your divorce;
- Don’t become a hermit;
- Exercise social media divorce self care; and
- Move your body.
Do you have a divorce self care tip that you want to share? Have you used any of these tips with success? Let me know in the comments!
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