I’m getting kind of stressed out from all these emails that I’ve been getting telling me the things that I can do to de-stress during the Coronavirus quarantine. Are you too? Yesterday, I got an email about the 27 books I could read while I’m social distancing. 27? I don’t even have time to finish one!
Between my private client work, this blog, and trying to get the grocery store, my days are pretty full. Have you found extra time to write that novel or organize your pantry? My guess is no. You’ve got kids to homeschool, meals to make, and maybe are trying to squeeze work somewhere in there?
If you are also going through a divorce, you are likely experiencing an extra level of stress during this time. Do you agree? Divorce is already a time of fear and transition. Add a pandemic to that? Whew! It’s enough to want to hide under your bed with a box, err bottle of wine.
But COVID-19 Divorce Stress doesn’t have to send you to your room. Put down the baby blanket you started crocheting and read my 3 tips for handling COVID-19 Divorce Stress.
Focus on the positives and don’t sweat the small stuff to combat COVID-19 divorce stress
One of the biggest (and maybe harshest) lessons that I preach on this blog is to not waste your time, money and energy fighting over minor issues in your divorce and custody matters. Whether it is the crockpot that you wanted or an hour difference in custody exchange time, these minor issues simply don’t matter in the larger outlook of your divorce case. And your post-divorce life.
It has never been more important to let go of the “small stuff” than right now. And doing so is key to helping you combat COVID-19 divorce stress. Did you co-parent forget to wash your children’s socks when he or she gave back their clothes after a custodial weekend? Was your former spouse a little late with a payment because they just got furloughed due to Coronavirus job loss?
I get that these things are annoying and inconvenient. However, treating the other person with grace and consideration during this scary time will not only help them, but it will help you as well. Getting angry doesn’t just hurt them, it also hurts you. And do you need this extra COVID-19 divorce stress right now? I would guess the answer is no.
So, what should you do instead? I was on a Zoom call with some other attorneys last week, many of whom had children. Instead of complaining about dropped calls and not being able to go out to eat, they were focused on the extra time that they were getting with their children because of the stay-at-home orders. One in particular was happy that he got to see his child’s therapies in action as he usually missed them while at the office.
Isn’t it more productive to focus on these types of things, than a forgotten I-pad or late e-mail response? I think so. Remember, your divorce will be there when the pandemic is gone and, unfortunately, your fights with your ex will likely also be there. Put the swords down for now and put your energy into more positive (and productive) thoughts.
Engage the right professionals to assist you in combatting your COVID-19 divorce stress
Divorce is hard. Custody is hard. Dealing with your thoughts about COVID-19 divorce stress? These are likewise hard. Don’t try to deal with them alone. The following divorce professionals can help you to manage your COVID-19 divorce stress.
Divorce Attorney
Do you and your co-parent disagree about the social distancing guidelines? Are you worried about when the courts will open again to move your divorce case forward? Don’t try to tackle these issues alone. A divorce attorney can answer your questions and help you deal with your co-parent when it comes to Coronavirus custody issues. You don’t have to carry this worry alone or engage in self-help. I don’t know any lawyers that aren’t working during this time. So contact one! This is what we are here for and trained to handle.
Financial advisor
Are you worried about what COVID-19 is going to do to your finances? Did you lose your job because of the Coronavirus? Were you in the middle of finalizing your divorce settlement and are unsure how COVID-19 may affect it (or not)? After worrying about our kids, concern about money is the second biggest source of of COVID-19 divorce stress.
Again, the fear of the unknown is often worse than the answer itself. Having a plan is a great way to reduce COVID-19 divorce stress. A financial advisor can answer your questions and help you develop a plan for what to do next.
Mental health professional
Just like lawyers, mental health professionals are still working to help you and your family combat COVID-19 divorce stress. Most are doing sessions over the phone or web chat, even if it is just a 15 minute check-in. This applies to children too! Also, services like Talkspace are already set up to speak to you remotely, either via video chat, text or telephone.
Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. None of us have experienced this before. Again, just like divorce attorneys, these counselors want to help clients handle all kinds of divorce related trauma, including COVID-19 divorce stress.
Practicing the right self-care is key to minimizing COVID-19 divorce stress
Self-care, self-care, self-care. I’ve seen a ton of articles on how to practice self-care during this pandemic. But what kind of self-care is right for dealing with COVID-19 divorce stress? While some general self-care can be useful, here are a few of my self-care tips for specifically dealing with COVID-19 divorce stress:
1. Taking a divorce case break may be helpful in managing your COVID-19 divorce stress.
Is managing home-schooling, your job, and the stress of everything going on in the world too much right now? Can your brain simply not take on one more thing? I get it. I’ve been there too. A few weeks ago in fact. Trust me, limiting the time you watch the news really helps.
Want to know what also helps? Taking a break. It’s okay to tell your attorney that you need to step back from your divorce case to help manage your COVID-19 divorce stress. Most courts are closed. So, it is likely that not much is going on in your matter unless you and your former spouse were in the middle of negotiating a custody, support or property division agreement.
Even taking a breather for a few days could be extremely beneficial for your mental health. However, just make sure that you let your attorney know that you are doing this and that you will contact them when you are ready to resume your case. You don’t want them to keep emailing you because you aren’t responding to them. That only results in more legal fees, not less divorce stress.
Recognize what is (and is not) in your control
In the beginning of the stay at home orders, I had a few clients who didn’t understand why their hearings were cancelled or why they couldn’t come into my office for an initial consult. I get it. No one likes when their life timeline gets messed up. And, I also understand the frustration that clients feel when their day in court is delayed through no fault of their own.
But the Coronavirus is something that no one has experienced before. And getting upset about something that you can’t control, like a worldwide pandemic, is only going to cause divorce stress that you can’t solve. Plus, it is going to stress out those around you, including your kids.
So, what are your options if you just can’t wait to get your case resolved? First, speak to your attorney about what you can do to move your case forward during this time. Try working towards agreements while court is delayed, even if they are temporary. You can also consider mediating your matter, or parts of it. While these suggestions may not totally resolve your case, perhaps feeling like there is some movement in your divorce will help reduce your COVID-19 divorce stress to manageable levels.
Seek out specific divorce related self-care resources to handle your COVID-19 divorce stress.
Not all self-care is created equal. Or can help all people. Going through a divorce is a specific kind of trauma that needs specific kind of help. While meditating and doing extra yoga is wonderful, is it really helping you with your COVID-19 divorce stress? If so, great. Keep doing it. But what if you need something more specific to your situation? Here are my suggestions:
- Seek out articles (like this one!) and books that are unique to divorce and dealing with co-parenting issues during emergencies;
- Get the advice of divorce professionals, like counselors and divorce coaches who are speaking to the uniqueness of COVID-19 divorce stress. Sometimes having someone simply recognize that what you are going through has its own set of challenges will go a long way in helping you manage your thoughts about it. Worried about cost? Check out these free options;
- Join a support group for other divorced parents that are working through COVID-19 divorce stress; or
- Need something more proactive? Attending a workshop like Gabrielle Hartley’s Better Apart Masterclass can really make you feel like you are tackling this issue head on. The Better Apart Masterclass is a six week self guided program which walks you through the 5 elements of the emotions of divorce with the goal of changing your mindset about your breakup and the next chapter of your life. Want more information about this program? Check out my article about struggling with your divorce emotions where I provide a more in-depth review.
So what are my major takeaway for dealing with COVID-19 divorce stress?
You don’t need to live in a state of panic. Please keep these tips in mind for dealing with COVID-19 divorce stress:
- Focus on the positives and don’t sweat the small divorce stuff. You can fight over the crockpot and dirty socks later;
- Get help from professionals who have experience dealing with COVID-19 divorce stress;
- Know when you need a divorce case break;
- Don’t stress about things (and people) that you can’t control; and
- Seek out specific resources for dealing with divorce stress rather than generic self-care recommendations.
As always, please continue to stay safe, stay sane, and most importantly, keep washing your hands!!!
What’s next on the Divorce Lawyer Life?
They say that there are only two things for certain in life, death and taxes. Well, even taxes have taken a back seat to COVID-19. As a reminder, the federal tax deadline has been extended to July 15th. Taxes present unique challenges for divorced and/or separated persons. Get 3 three essential tips for handling your taxes next week. Even if you have already filed your taxes for this year, you’ll want to bookmark these for 2020.
Don’t want to miss out on any of my Coronavirus-related divorce advice? Or, want to make sure that you don’t miss any of my tips and tricks for navigating the divorce process post-Coronavirus, like filing your taxes? Make sure that you sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers. You’ll get a FREE post-divorce checklist just for signing up!
Or, have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do first? Or after that? It can be difficult to determine where to start first. Don’t worry, I got you! Get my FREE checklist for what to do when you are newly separated. You don’t want to miss it!