What’s your New Year’s Resolution for 2020? C’mon, I know that you have one. Lose weight? Read more? Yeah, I’ve done those too. However, now that we are in a new decade, let’s turn resolutions on their head. Are you ready? Instead of making yourself do something (probably that you dislike), I think you should, instead, let go of something in the new year. And there is no better place to start than to let go of certain divorce habits that are standing in your way of your best post divorce life.
Again, I ask, are you with me?
I talk a lot about how divorce is a time of change and transition on this blog. And just like starting an exercise routine, it can be hard to train ourselves to think or do something new. I mean, how many times have you stopped and started a gym membership or a weight loss program?
Over the years, I’ve seen clients really hold on to certain ideas and personal property because they couldn’t accept that their life was going to be different post divorce. Maybe they were still angry or just plain scared. Is this you?
You won’t get anywhere standing on the sidelines being held back by your fear of change. You need to let some stuff go. But what should you let go of? The 3 divorce habits to let go of in 2020 are:
- Let go of the small stuff (real or otherwise);
- Let go of being uninformed about your finances; and
- Let go of your anger and reset your emotions.
When you leave these divorce habits behind you free yourself to move on to your best post divorce life. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?
Let me explain how to get there.
Divorce Habits #1: Let go of the small stuff
When I say “let go of the small stuff” I mean literally and figuratively. A recent survey found that the average divorce in the United States costs $18,000.00 to $27,000.00 per person. That is a lot of money! If you had an extra $20,000.00 what would you do with it? Would you buy a car (okay a used one)? Help your children pay for college? Take a one in a life-time vacation?
All of these options are better than paying for a lawyer to fight over small issues in your divorce. This is one of the divorce habits that you need to leave behind in 2019.
Let go of the personal property disputes
First, let’s talk about the actual small stuff: your personal property. Can I let you in on a secret? No divorce lawyer wants to fight over your personal property. Let me explain why.
People can become irrational when it comes to personal property disputes. I’ve had cases where people have been able to agree on the distribution of houses, 401(k)s, cars, etc. without stepping foot inside a courtroom.
But who gets the crockpot? Let’s take it to the judge!
Be honest, is this you? I hope not.
I’ve seen people divide up used spices, broken Wiis, pot holders, extra paper towels, and drying racks. I’ve spent hours facilitating the return of furniture and Christmas ornaments. Honestly, this is the last thing I want to do because I know what a waste of money it is!!
I understand that personal possessions may have sentimental value and clients don’t want to spend money to replace them when they are already spending lots of money preparing for their post-divorce life. However, such items are generally never going surpass or even be equal in value to the cost to mount such a battle. Don’t fight over an item for “the principle of it.”
Being principled is very expensive. So like Elsa says, let it go, let it go! Holding on to the small stuff is so “divorce habit 2019. “
Let go of the small custody disputes with your former partner
Another one of the divorce habits to leave behind in 2019 is failing to let go of the small stuff when it comes to custody issues between you and your former spouse. You and your ex are no longer together for a reason. Unfortunately if you have children, you are not going to be able to completely disengage from them, even if you want to.
This means that from time to time, okay maybe even more than that, he or she is going to do something to piss you off.
Having something in mind already? It might be big, like trying to change your children’s school or relocate. Or it may be small, like being 15 minutes late for a custody exchange when they know that you have to get to work. Let’s focus on the small.
Having an ex that violates a custody order is like saying water is wet. However, it is your choice as to how you respond to it. So what do you do? Do you let it go because maybe your were 15 minutes late last week? Or do you send an angry text and threaten to call your lawyer?
I urge you to do take a breath and think about whether you want to bring unnecessary conflict into your life over something minor. This doesn’t even consider the money that you will pay an attorney to fight over this minor issue. Remember, don’t throw good money after bad.
I know that this is hard for some to remember, particularly if this is the 15th minor thing they have done. But don’t think about it as letting them “get away with it.” Think of it as giving yourself less stress and conflict in 2020. Doesn’t that sound nice?
Divorce Habits #2: Let go of being uninformed about your finances
One of the major things that I have learned during my years of practice is how uninformed most people are about basic personal finance. Admit it, are you one of these people?
I get it. Maybe you just don’t enjoy spreadsheets, paying bills, and credit reports. Or, perhaps your spouse was the one that handled your personal finances during the marriage so you didn’t need to think about it. Are either or both true?
Regardless, if you are divorced, you need to let go of this divorce habit and learn how to manage your money, particularly if you want to live your best post divorce life.
Don’t know where to start? Don’t worry, I got you! If you are ready to make 2020 the year that you get your financial house in order, you need to make sure that you do the following:
Understand your credit score
One of the first things that you should do after separation is pull your credit report to check your credit score and any notes in your credit file. If your credit is not where it should be, work on getting your score higher, particularly if you want to buy a home or car in the near future.
Don’t know how to do this? Check out my article on credit and divorce for more tips.
Tying emotions to your property is one of the worst divorce habits you can keep
The process of getting divorced and dividing up your assets and debts is similar to the dissolution of the business. Cold, I know. But the sooner that you start thinking about the divorce process in those terms, the better off you will be financially . . . and emotionally.
This is particularly true if you want to keep your house but can’t afford it. Lots of people, particularly women, want to keep the marital home for their children or for sentimental reasons. This is dangerous. Being house poor is not the best way to start your post divorce life! Break this divorce habit now!
Get a clear picture of what assets and debts you have.
I recently had a client who wasn’t aware that she still had an IRA worth about $180,000.00 and only found out about it during divorce settlement negotiations. She thought the account had been closed years ago! Same with a male client of mine. He just found an annuity worth about $30,000.00. While we can all hope for finding a long-forgotten asset, being unaware as to your assets and debts is not the best way to start your post divorce life.
How do you avoid this? You need to do some research.
Gather the most recent statements that you have for any assets and debts that you have. If you have online access to these accounts, this should be easy. If you don’t, I suggest registering for same so that you can easily find and update this information.
After you have gathered this information, you need to keep it in a central location. I personally use Mint.com to keep track of all my assets, debts and bills. With Mint you can link all of your online accounts to the site and get a quick snapshot of your personal finances by only going to one site! It’s a lot easier than checking separate online accounts. Plus less passwords to remember.
Whatever you choose to use, be it online or on paper, you need to keep this information in one location and update it on a monthly or quarterly basis.
Having knowledge and control of your assets and debts allows you to make smart financial choices going forward such as buying a house, saving for retirement or paying down debt. As “they” say, knowledge is power and being knowledgeable about your personal finances is one of the best divorce habits that you can have.
Identify what other types of financial professionals that you may need to help you manage your money
Did you get a sizeable financial award in your divorce settlement? Do you need to refinance your mortgage? Not sure how to do your taxes? It’s okay to ask for help! In fact, it would be dumb not to!
There are lots of financial professionals out there than can help set you up for your best financial future. Not sure what you may need help with? Check out my article about finding your divorce team players for some ideas.
Still not sure? Check with your attorney. They likely can help you identify what types of professions that you may need to help you long after your case has concluded and even give you recommendations for who to contact.
Create your post divorce budget
A solid budget is particularly important for divorced persons. In a recent CNBC study, 56 percent of divorced Americans said they almost never talk about their finances with family members, versus 27 percent of all survey respondents. What’s worse, most women cite money as their biggest concern about getting divorced! Even more so than custody of their kids! Those two statistics add up to a lot of anxiety about your finances.
Are you feeling anxious about how you are going to pay your bills after your divorce?
Yes? This is why we need to talk about budgeting. Remember, your post divorce budget is probably going to look nothing like the budget that you had during your marriage (if you even had one).
Not sure where to begin? Check out my budgeting tips here.
Divorce Habits #3: Let go of your anger
Do you know that fighting and anger is often a sign that you are not over your ex? Trust me, I wrote an article about it. Rather, taking a dispassionate approach to him/her and to your divorce is actually a sign that you are ready to move on. Continuing to engage your ex on issues regarding custody or property is unhealthy and affects your ability to transition to the next chapter of your life.
Who knows, that next chapter may be the best one yet! Don’t you want to find out? You won’t be able to if you are stuck in the cycle of fighting with your former spouse, likely the same cycle that landed you where you are today.
Need help letting go of this divorce habit?
If you think that you need help with changing your mindset, check out Gabrielle Hartley’s 6 week program, the Better Apart Masterclass that is specifically designed to help you change your thoughts about divorce so you can move on to a better relationship with your ex, yourself and your next partner.
I know Gabrielle personally and have had a chance to walk through the program with her. It’s really great. Honestly, I wish I had thought of it. Check out my article about struggling with emotions if you want to know more about my thoughts on this useful tool.
Interested? Subscribe to my newsletter and I’ll send you the promo code for $30 off. Who doesn’t love a deal right?
If you want to work with someone on a more individual basis, check out Jen Brick. She is a divorce coach who specializes in helping clients with changing the narrative surrounding their divorce and create a post-divorce life they love.
I recently connected with Jen on Instagram and we got a chance to speak about what she does. I really love her philosophy and approach to helping clients after divorce and I think you may too.
What are you waiting for? Let go of these divorce habits today!
Ready to stop these divorce habits and and let go of what is holding you back from your best post divorce life? Let’s leave the following back in 2019:
- Let go of the small stuff (real or otherwise);
- Let go of being uninformed about your finances; and
- Let go of your anger and reset your emotions.
Are you ready to start? Make sure that you subscribe to my newsletter for my tips and tricks on navigating to your best post divorce life! By subscribing to my list you’ll get a weekly newsletters as well as some freebie worksheets to help you get organized, whether you just separated from your spouse or you are already in the divorce process and aren’t sure what to do next!
Again, I ask, what are you waiting for? 2020 is waiting for you!