Hey guys! I have a special treat for you this week! Recently, I connected with Kayla Graham, the author of the blog, Kayla and the Chaos. Kayla is a mom and has gone through the divorce process herself. It was in her divorce journey that Kayla found her strength and her voice. She writes about her experience leaving her husband and offers some great advice for parents navigating coparenting after divorce or separation.
I’m so happy that I can bring some real life, straight talk on divorce to you from someone that has been through it. Here is Kayla’s story of how she got up, got out and moved on. . . .
In Kayla’s words…
My Co-Parenting journey started in March of 2017 when my daughter was 14 months old. Her dad and I had only been married for a year and 6 months and together a total of 2 years and 3 months. We never had a healthy relationship from the start, but with an unplanned pregnancy 2 months into our relationship, we tried to make it work.
On our honeymoon I found multiple pictures of inappropriate and naked pictures of women, some he knew, some he didn’t. The most recent was of a woman who had just emailed him 4 pictures the morning of our wedding and they were downloaded on his phone, so I know he looked. It was then I found out that my now husband of 5 days suffered from bipolar disorder since he was 7 years old. Unfortunately, we were already married, I was 19 years old and 3 months pregnant. We tried to make it work but after multiple police reports, outbursts and loss of myself, I knew it was time to leave.
It’s not getting better
On Valentine’s day 2017, I found out that he had been talking and taking a girl from his work who was 18 years old out on dates and dating her. He promised me he ended the relationship and I naively believed him. A week later her mom messaged me on Facebook and informed me they had been talking still and he had asked her to be in a relationship, but she had found me and wanted to know if we were still married. I didn’t reply, I packed as much into my tiny Chevy Cruze as I could for me, and the baby and I went to stay with my grandparents. I wish I could say it was all fairytales from there, but it wasn’t.
Was leaving the hardest part of Kayla’s divorce journey?
The night I left I had to work, I worked night shift at a local hospital. I left the baby with my grandparents and headed into work. That night I received multiple text messages from his family belittling me as a person and parent and telling me life would be better if I had never existed. I internalized this and sent him a message in response to his family. Little did I know that he would come to my work and use it against me to check me in for a 24-hour psychiatric hold. Yes, he came to my work during my work hours and had security escort me off my unit and to the emergency room to be checked in like I was some crazy person.
I ended up being discharged the next morning because there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and the social worker knew this. When I got home, I had come home to a baby who was running a high fever and so sick. My first week of single parenting involved hospital visits, medications, sleepless nights and even an ICU stay for my daughter. It was rough and I mainly did it alone as he wasn’t around much.
Filing for divorce: another step in the divorce journey
After I filed for divorce honestly it was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. My weeks were heavy and dark. I questioned God daily. It was like filing those papers unlocked the chains around my ankles and wrists, I was free. Free from my abuser, free from his control, his power over me and the unhappiness that came with it. For once, I felt normal. I started working on myself. I worked out, I enjoyed my time with my family, I spent time with my daughter doing fun things just her and I. Then my now husband came into my life and life has just been great ever since.
Should you stay or should you go? Read Kayla’s advice.
If you’re struggling with leaving my suggestion to you is to look at your options. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say my only option is to stay. I’m here to tell you it’s not. There are resources out there, google, ask, walk into a church and say, “I need help, this is my situation”. People will help you. I left my daughter’s dad with the clothes on our backs and 300 dollars in the bank account and I made it, you can too.
To speak on the emotional side, I purchased a small notebook the day I left. Whenever I had a bad thought or feeling, I wrote it down. Don’t bottle those emotions in, get them out. I wrote prayers, questions, feelings, thoughts, I also wrote down events that happened and how they made me feel.
I still have that journal today. I have used it to look back and see how far I have come, how low I felt and how I never want to feel like that again, and I’ve given it to friends who are struggling too so they can see they are not alone. It’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom, turn the shower on and just cry. After you cry though, pick yourself up and do something that makes you feel good, move forward little by little and you will be amazed at what comes your way.
Real talk: your divorce journey will not be easy.
To sum it all up, divorce is not easy, it will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. I buried my mom at 16 years old and going through the divorce was harder than that in its own ways. My grandfather always tells me the sun will come up tomorrow no matter what happens today.
Re read that sentence. Positivity 95% of the time, negativity 5% of the time will absolutely propel you forward in your life. Work on yourself because ultimately your children need a happy parent, or if you don’t have children you family and friends want to see you happy. Lastly, do something for yourself that you have always wanted to do, you deserve it.
Xoxo, Kayla Graham
Thank you Kayla for sharing your divorce journey with me!
As Kayla said, divorce is not easy but you will get through it. Thanks again to Kayla for allowing me to share the story of her divorce journey with you. Want to learn more about Kayla’s journey with divorce and coparenting with her ex? Check out her blog, kaylaandthechaos.com or you can follow her on Instagram at @Kayla_andthechaos!
Thinking about starting the divorce process but don’t know where to begin?
Want to make sure that you don’t miss any of my tips and tricks for navigating the divorce process? Make sure that you sign up for my weekly newsletter where I recap the week’s articles and provide some additional promos and content just for my subscribers. You’ll get a FREE post-divorce checklist just for signing up!
Or, have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do next? It can be difficult to determine where to start first. Don’t worry. I got you! Get my FREE checklist for what to do when you are newly separated. You don’t want to miss it!
Have a question about how to use credit during and after your divorce? Leave a comment below or send me an email!