The 5 Types of Custody Counseling

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, custody cases can be the toughest part of getting divorced. And while all custody cases carry emotion, there are some where the relationships between the parties themselves and/or the parties and their children are especially strained. Going to court and having a judge decide where the children will live are not going to fix those damaged relationships. Instead, you need to engage in custody counseling to help get your family back on track.

But what kind of custody counseling is right for your case? In this article, I am going to discuss the 5 types of custody counseling that I see most often and when that type of counseling may be appropriate for you and your family. The 5 types are:

• Individual counseling for you and/ or your children;
• Coparenting custody counseling;
• Reunification therapy;
• Family custody counseling; and
• Intensive therapy to address parental alienation.

Individual Counseling

Counseling for the parent

The end of a relationship is stressful and emotional. Clients often need the help of a mental health professional to talk about their feelings and gain tools to cope with the separation. Remember, it is generally more cost effective to vent to a therapist than your attorney.

Sometimes, a person’s feelings about the end of their marriage can affect their ability to co-parent with their ex. That makes sense right? If you have unresolved issues about the demise of your marriage and/or extreme resentment with the way things ended, how are you supposed to be able to communicate with them effectively?

Finding the right mental health professional is very important. Not all therapy or therapists approach treatment in the same way. If you don’t feel comfortable with the first person you select, find someone else. While it may be hard to also break up with your therapist, what is the point to continue to spend time and money on therapy if it’s not working?

If you are struggling to find the right counselor, ask your regular physician for a recommendation. You can also search through your insurance company’s provider directory. Those directories allow you to filter for certain areas of concern so you can more easily find someone who fits your needs.

Child counselor/therapist

Often, children also need help addressing their feelings about their parent’s divorce. This is different than family counseling. In family counseling, the child attends sessions with one or both of their parents. In child therapy, the child attends the sessions with the counselor alone and will engage in either play therapy (drawing pictures or doing other activities to express their feelings) or more traditional counseling methods, depending on their age.

How do you find a child therapist? As above, check with your child’s regular physician or insurance company for recommendations. Your attorney has also likely worked with child therapists and may have some suggestions for you.

If you don’t have an attorney, some bar associations publish lists of mental health professionals in your area. While this is mainly for attorneys to use, it doesn’t mean that this list would not be helpful to you as well. Finally, I would also suggest looking for a therapist with late afternoon or evening hours to avoid having the child miss school for appointments.

What if your co-parent doesn’t agree to child therapy?

In most cases, the therapist will need the consent of both parents to treat the child. I’ve seen a lot of parents argue over therapy for their children. Sometimes, a parent doesn’t want therapy for the child at all. I frankly don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want to try whatever is possible to make sure that your children can resolve their issues about your divorce and this transitional time?

The courts are generally in favor of therapy for the children as part of a child custody case. This is because judges recognize that they (and the court system) do not have the expertise to help kids deal with their parent’s break up. They need third party help. If your former partner does not agree, it is best to address this issue with your attorney so that he/she can determine the best course of action to obtain the other parent’s agreement.

Sometimes, a counselor may be reluctant to get involved with a child whose parents are engaged in a custody battle. This is because they do not want to be called to testify or submit a report. While I’m used to the court process, most people, particularly therapists, don’t want to get involved. Trust me, I get it.

It is more important that your child gets the help they need than for you to get a witness for your child custody case. If this is the only barrier to getting your child treatment, I suggest that you and your ex agree that the counselor will not be called to testify at any custody hearings. However, this does not prevent them from giving information to a custody evaluator if a custody evaluation or home study is done in your case.

Coparenting Counseling

One of the most often cited reasons for divorce is communication problems. Therefore, it is likely that you and the other parent have a hard time speaking to one another in a productive manner. This makes sense, doesn’t it? Why would the dynamics of your marriage not also follow you into you post-divorce life?

While you may wish to never speak to your ex again, that is not possible if you have children. Your children need for you both to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, routine and their general needs. You also need to be able to communicate about the bigger issues such as where they go to school, grades, and mental health issues.

If you are your ex have a hard time speaking productively, you may benefit from seeing a co-parenting counselor. These professionals can help you work through your communication issues and develop a plan so that you can successfully co-parent with one another even though you are no longer living in the same house. These counselors generally meet with the parents only, as it is the parent’s relationship with one another that is the issue, not their relationships with their children.

Frankly, I think every parenting relationship could benefit from coparenting counseling. And, the courts seem to agree. I routinely see judges and masters order co-parenting counseling, even when the conflict is minimal.

Again, when selecting an appropriate counselor, look for one that specializes in these types of custody counseling methods. It is likely that your attorney has worked with co-parenting counselors before and will have some recommendations.

I have even gotten recommendations from the judges themselves! I actually think those are the best ones as the judges have seen how their work has helped parents first-hand. Also, don’t forget to check if your insurance offers coverage. However, be warned that it may be harder to find insurance coverage for this type of counseling than individual therapy.

Use your time at coparenting custody counseling effectively.

I recommend that most of my clients see a co-parenting counselor for at least a few sessions. If it is court ordered, make sure that you follow what the order says in terms of the amount and duration of your visits. Also, as with the child therapist, don’t expect for these counselors to come and testify in your case.

Most importantly, really make the effort to allow the custody counseling to work. Sometimes I think parents only go because their attorney suggests it or the court orders it. While their body is there, they are not putting in any effort to learn from the sessions.

You have to go into these co-parenting counseling sessions with an open mind. I get that being in the same room with your ex may not be your idea of a good time. However, I strongly suggest that you participate and use the time productively. It will not only benefit your children but it might just resolve your custody case. Talk about getting your money’s worth!

Reunification therapy

There are times when a parent’s relationship with one or more of their children is so strained, it’s practically non-existent. In those cases, the parent and child may need to engage in reunification therapy to repair that bond.

Do you have this issue?

The reasons for this vary. Sometimes, the parent did something to the child, such as an act of physical abuse or anger that has resulted in a break in the relationship. Other times, the other parent has engaged in a course of conduct that has damaged the child’s relationship with the other parent. Still other times, the strain has nothing to do with the divorce and results from simply a breakdown in the parent-child relationship.

I don’t see reunification therapy as much as the other types of custody counseling previously mentioned. However, I have seen it more in recent years. I don’t think it is necessarily because these kinds of cases have become more common, but perhaps this type of custody counseling has become more popular.

So when is reunification therapy ordered?

I generally see reunification therapy recommended in cases where the child simply refuses to have a relationship with the other parent. Courts generally do not allow children to dictate their custody schedule. They also are generally unwilling to allow a child to just decide to never see one of their parents again, at least while they are under 18 and in the control of the court.

So, as a possibly remedy, judges will order reunification counseling. Reunification therapy is conducted based on the recommendation of the counselor. Some of the sessions will be with the children alone and some with the parent alone. However, most will take place with the children and parent together. Again, these counselors are generally reluctant to testify in court so as to preserve the therapist-client relationship.

If you have a case where one of your children does not want to have a relationship with you or your coparent, you need to seek reunification counseling. Again, it is likely that your attorney will have a recommendation. The judge, if you are at that level, may even have one as well as these types of cases are generally litigated as opposed to resolved by custody agreement. Otherwise, make sure that when looking for this type of therapist you specify what type of custody counseling that you need.

Family counseling

Divorce is a time of great transition, not only for the parents for also for their children. Sometimes, it is particularly difficult for a family to adjust to the new post-divorce normal. Family counselors can assist with this.

Family counselors provide the parents and the children tools to cope with the end of the marriage and teach them how to move forward as a unit even though the parents are no longer together. These counselors will generally hold sessions for the parties and the children as they deem appropriate. Some sessions will be with both parents and the kids. Other sessions may be with a combination of the children and one parent. Still others may be with just the parents. It really is up to the counselor.

Family counseling is different than reunification counseling, inasmuch as the parental-child relationship is not necessarily broken. Rather, the parents and the children need some help discussing their feelings about the divorce and finding how to best navigate this post-divorce world as a unit, even if they don’t live together anymore.

Also, family counseling generally involves, well, the family. This means that both parents and all the children participate. Reunification therapy is generally one parent and only the children whose relationship with that parent needs repair. For example, I have a case where my client, dad, is in reunification therapy with two of the five children. As he has no significant issues with the other three children, there is no need for them to participate in this kind of custody counseling. If the parties were in family counseling then all five children and both parents would and should participate.

Intensive therapy for parental alienation

The term parental alienation is thrown around a lot in high-conflict custody cases. However, text book parental alienation is not as common as you may think. According to an article by Psychology Today, about 11-15% of custody cases involve parental alienation syndrome. If you listened to my clients you’d think it was closer to 50%. Parental alienation is defined as follows:

The term parental alienation refers to psychological manipulation of a child, by saying and doing things that lead the child to look unfavorably on one parent or the other. In essence, parental alienation amounts to brainwashing the child, and it can be done both consciously and unconsciously. “

Legal Dictionary.

In plain English, parental alienation is a systematic effort by one parent (the favored parent) to brainwash the child against the other (the unfavored parent). There are many signs of parental alienation which I will save for another article. However, if you are looking for a brief summary of parental alienation syndrome, check out this article by Dr. Edward Kruk.

While I have a lot of cases where the favored parent perhaps could be better at encouraging the child to have a relationship with the unfavored parent, it’s not really parental alienation syndrome. Parental alienation requires proactive behavior on the part of the favored parent. Inaction is usually the issue in my custody cases. Can you relate?

Treatment of parental alienation syndrome

Treating parental alienation often requires intensive therapy with the unfavored parent and the child. The favored parent’s role is limited, as there is concern that their alienation is so strong it could derail the treatment.

Not every counselor that works with children and families is skilled in treating parental alienation. Furthermore, one week sessions where the child returns to the favored parent’s house is not going to do any good, as that parent can spend the rest of the week undoing the work that the counselor did. Talk about a waste of time!

The only places that I have seen have success are those treatment plans which remove the parent and child from their everyday lives and require them to spend a week or more together working on their relationship. The one that I recommend to clients is Family Bridges, run by Dr. Richard Warshak. I’m not going to lie, it is expensive. However, programs like these are the best (and probably fastest) way to get your relationship with your child back. Wouldn’t that be money well spent?

So which type of custody counseling is right for you and your children?

Even if you are not involved in a high-conflict custody case, it is still likely that you could benefit from one of the 5 types of custody counseling. However, make sure that you choose the right type to fit your needs. While any custody counseling can be beneficial, you want to make sure that you are spending your time and money on the one that is going to improve the lives of you and your children best.

Have a question about these types of custody counseling? Have you tried any? What was the result? Let me know in the comments!