Give back the engagement ring after a break up?

They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend. A very, very expensive best friend. Did you know that the average cost of an engagement ring in the United States was $7,829 in 2018? So what happens to that bling if the relationship ends before the marriage begins? Do you have to give back the engagement ring after a break up? What if you can keep the ring but don’t want it?

In the US, whether a person has an obligation to give back the engagement ring after a break up depends on what state they live in and, in some places, who was at fault for the broken engagement. Most states fall into three categories:

1. States that require you give the back engagement ring regardless of the reason for the break up;
2. States that look at fault to decide whether you have to give back the engagement ring after a break; and
3. Montana.

Yes, Montana is in a category all on its own. I’ll explain below.

1. States that require that you give back the engagement ring regardless of the reason for the break up.

Most states consider the engagement ring a conditional gift. A conditional gift is something given by one party (the donor) to another (the donee) with strings attached. Here, the ring is given by one person to another on the condition that they get married. If the condition is not met, i.e. the marriage does not take place, then the gift should be returned. In short you have to give back the engagement ring.

Want to know if you live in a conditional gift state? The following states fall into this category:

• Iowa,
• Florida,
• Kansas,
• Michigan,
• Minnesota,
• New Jersey,
• New Mexico,
• New York,
• Pennsylvania,
• Tennessee, and
• Wisconsin.

2. States that look at fault to decide whether you have to give back the engagement ring after a breakup.

As you can see, few states fall into this category. While these states also consider the engagement ring a conditional gift, they will look at the reason for the break up before deciding whether you have to give back the engagement ring.

How do they do this. They court will conduct something called a fault analysis. Generally, if the breakup was mutual, you have to give back the engagement ring. If the breakup was initiated by the donee (i.e. the person who got the ring) but was because of the actions of the donor (i.e. the person who gave the ring), then the donee doesn’t have to give back the engagement ring because it wasn’t his/her fault.

Okay that was a lot of legal jargon, even for me. Let me explain that in non-legal lingo with an example.

Pete and Ariana get engaged and Pete gives Ariana an engagement ring. Afterwards, Ariana finds out that Pete cheated on her (who would cheat on Ariana?) with Kate and calls off the wedding. In this scenario, Ariana would get to keep the ring because Pete was at fault for the broken engagement.

Ariana would also get to keep the engagement ring if Pete had broken off the engagement to be with Kate, because again, his conduct was the cause of the breakup.

However, if Ariana simply said thank you, next, and broke up with Pete for no reason, she would have to give back the engagement ring to Pete. This is because her reason for calling off the engagement was not the result of Pete’s conduct.

Want to know if this rule applies to where you live? The following states will look at fault before deciding if you have to give back the engagement ring:

• California
• Texas
• Washington
• Delaware

These states will also consider how and when the ring was gifted when deciding if you have to give the engagement ring back.

In addition to looking at the reason for the break up, these states may also consider the circumstances surrounding the giving of the engagement ring when determining whether you have to give back the engagement ring.

For example, was it given on a holiday or a birthday? If so, the donee may be able to argue that the ring was given simply as a present without condition and he/she should get to keep it.

However, I think this argument is difficult to make. While many people get engaged on birthdays, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas, the reason for the gift of the engagement ring is clear. It is based on the promise of getting marred and really has nothing to do with the day of the week or the holiday it is given on.

Another circumstance to consider is, where did the ring come from? Was it the giver’s grandma’s ring? If so, I could see courts wanting to have a family heirloom returned to the family regardless of who caused the breakup.

3. Montana. The gift state?

Montana takes yet a third view of the engagement ring question. Montana’s courts see the engagement ring simply as a gift. No conditions attached. Therefore, Montana will always let the donee keep the ring regardless of who called off the engagement and for what reason.

Related: Getting married? You need a prenup.

I can keep the engagement ring but I don’t want it. What should I do?

An unwanted engagement ring doesn’t need to sit in a draw forever, collecting dust and holding bad memories. Want to get rid of your engagement ring? Sell it!

Not sure where? Roxbury Jewelry works closely with divorce lawyers, mediators, accounts, and financial advisers to help client value and sell their jewelry, like engagement rings. They are a private company so you know that they will treat your sale with discretion and attention. This kind of personalized experience makes for a much better shopping and selling experience than EBay, don’t you? Then, after you get the money, use it to “#treatyoself to something great, like a trip, a new wardrobe, or even some new jewelry!

What if I don’t want to give back the engagement ring after a break up?

Sometimes, people don’t want to give back the engagement ring for a lot of reasons other than emotion. What if your ex-fiancee owes you money for the lost wedding deposits? What if you lived together and you had to break your lease? Do any of these sound familiar?

Even if the law indicates that you should give back the engagement ring, your ex is going to have to take you to court if you are going to put up a fight. Generally, a party wanting the engagement ring returned will have to file a replevin action. A replevin action is a lawsuit requesting the return of certain property from someone that should not have it. You may also have a counter action against your ex for the monies that you lost. I highly suggest you speak with an attorney in your state to see what your options are.

However, before you and your ex start filing lawsuits against each other, perhaps the smartest (and cheapest) thing to do is to sit down (or somehow communicate) about the cost of the ring vs. the monies lost because of the broken engagement. Perhaps if you agree to sell the ring and put the proceeds towards the lost deposits, you can both walk away without any paperwork being filed.

Have you ever broken off an engagement? Did you give back the engagement ring after your break up? What did you do about the lost wedding monies? Let me know in the comments!