Adjusting to your new life after separating from your spouse can be scary. Dating after separation? Dating apps? Maybe even scarier. Most clients ask me if they are allowed to date while their divorce action is pending because they want to make sure that doing so does not hurt their case. Some are unsure if they are even allowed to date because they are not yet officially divorced.
Spoiler alert: you can.
I can’t make the decision whether you are emotionally ready to jump back into the dating pool. You may be. You may not. However, dating after separation can affect your divorce and custody case. Here are 3 things to consider when deciding whether dating after separation will have an negative impact on your family law matter.
Related: 10 Questions to Ask Before Dating After Divorce
1. Dating after separation may affect your child custody case.
Dating after separation may have the biggest effect on your pending custody matter. If you have a significant other, or, if you are bringing your dates around your children, it is going to come up in your custody hearing.
There are two main issues that you need to think about when it comes to your children and a new partner: (1) introductions and (2) his/her criminal and substance abuse history.
Introducing your children to your new partner.
There are no hard and fast rules as to when a parent can and should introduce a partner to their children. Trust me, I’ve fought about it. However, I have done a lot of custody agreements where we set certain benchmarks for new relationships before kids were involved.
Examples:
- Set a specific time period, i.e. three months of exclusive dating before introducing the children.
- Require that the other parent meet the new person before the kids do.
- Impose time limits for the new partner’s contact with the children such as dinner visits only, no more than 4 hours at a time, or no overnights until a certain period of time has passed.
- Agree that the significant other will not be alone with the children or act as their caretaker until a certain period of time has passed.
I’ve had more success with having those terms put in place if they are agreed upon by the parents or endorsed by a counselor or custody evaluator. Judges generally do not have psychology degrees. Therefore, unless both parties agree on these restrictions or you can prove why they are necessary, it can be difficult to have them included in a judge’s decision.
Character and criminal history of who you are dating after separation will be considered.
Introductions are not the only issue with dating after separation. Your significant other’s character and criminal history are also going to be examined.
What does this look like?
For example, if he or she has drug/alcohol issues and/or a history of physical violence, a court will consider those facts when deciding what type of custody you should have. This is because a judge may be concerned that your decision to allow your children to be around such a person is a sign of poor judgment and questionable decision-making.
The judge’s role in a custody case is to make a decision in the best interests of the children. Most judges are not going to think that having children around someone with a violent past or substance abuse issues is in their best interests.
As a result, the judge could award you less custodial time. Therefore, when choosing to date after separation, it is imperative that you get all the information that you can about your new partner’s past (and their present) as it will be put on trial in your custody matter.
2. Dating after separation may affect your alimony case.
Dating after separation can also affect your finances. Some states, such as Pennsylvania, will deny an award of alimony to a party if they are cohabitating with a significant other.
Cohabitation. What’s that?
Let me explain. Cohabitation is living with someone as a couple and sharing expenses. Cohabitation is not simply living with a roommate where you split bills or sharing space with family while you get back on your feet. Alimony may also terminate if you get remarried.
I suggest that you consider whether you are going to want to live with your new paramour before you finalize your property settlement. You can always craft a property division in which you don’t get alimony but do get a larger percentage of the marital property in exchange.
If you don’t consider this beforehand, take the alimony and it is terminated, you will be unable to go back and revise your property division percentages. This will likely result in your overall distribution to be less than what you could have gotten if you had structured your settlement without the alimony award.
3. Dating after separation may make it difficult to settle your case.
Perhaps more than any other practice area, divorce cases are not just about the letter of the law. I must always consider the emotions of both of the parties in determining the next and best move for my client. Part of that is thinking about how the other party will react when they find out that my client has a boyfriend or girlfriend. Some parties don’t care. Some care. A lot.
Why does dating after separation matter for settlement?
In order to settle a case, both spouses have to agree on the settlement. What if one won’t settle because they are jealous? What if he/she wants to prevent the other from “being” with their new paramour by delaying the end of the case? What if the new partner has made disparaging comments about the former spouse and now the former spouse won’t even discuss resolving the case out of spite?
I have had all of these situations happen in my cases. The answers to these questions are certainly not found in any case law or statute. However, you must think about their potential effect on your case and how to address them.
What can you do about it?
First, please do not take my caution as saying that you can not date after separation. You can. And yes, I know it’s not fair that the feelings of your ex-spouse may dictate how you live your life. But you have to deal with the reality that they do. Here are my suggestions to lessen the effect of your dating on resolving your divorce case:
- Do not bring your new partner to your court appearances unless ordered to do so.
- Do not allow your significant other to disparage your ex in front of your children or anyone who would let him/her know what was said.
- Do not allow your significant other to directly engage your ex about topics related to your divorce or children. This is your fight.
- Do not flaunt your new relationship on social media until after the ink is dry on your divorce decree.
- Do not post pictures of your children with your new partner or make comments about how “good” your new partner is with your children, particularly in public.
- Do not allow your significant other to assume the role of parent in place of your ex such as signing permission slips or attending certain school functions or activities. This is particularly important if your ex regularly attends those events.
So are you still thinking about dating after separation?
It is important to first make sure that you are emotionally ready to jump back into the dating pool before considering how dating after separation will affect your family law matter. However, if you do decide you are ready, here are your three takeaways:
- First, think about how having a new person in your life will affect your children. What kind of contact should your children have with this person and when?
- Second, if your new relationship progresses, analyze what cohabitation will do to your overall property settlement award.
- Third, contemplate how your ex will react to your new relationship. What steps can you take to minimize that reaction so as not to delay resolution of your matter?
Have a story about dating after separation? Please leave me a comment below.
Are you just starting out in the divorce process?
Have you just separated from your spouse? Here are the articles that i think you should read next:
- New to the Divorce Lawyer Life?
- Divorce law terms that you should know;
- 6 ways to save on legal fees; and
- Essential tips for a productive initial divorce meeting.
Also, have you signed up for my FREE newsletter yet? It will give you access to my weekly newsletter plus additional bonus content just for my subscribers. As a thank you, I’ll send you my Essential Just Separated from Your Spouse” Checklist. It will give you a step-by-step guide of what to do next.