5 Tips for Your Best Holiday Custody Schedule

Did you know that nearly 40% of marriages involve inter-faith couples? And, as you can guess, inter-faith marriages can result in inter-faith divorces. This can add an additional layer of things to consider when preparing a child custody agreement, particularly a holiday custody schedule.

Do you and your former spouse observe different religions? Is one of you religious and the other not? Have you had any child custody issues result from these differences?

While religion-related custody issues may occur in other areas of everyday life, I think that it is most prevalent during the holidays. Do you agree? Don’t worry! I have 5 tips to prepare a holiday custody schedule that will help eliminate these issues.

1. Consider long-standing family holiday traditions;
2. Understand each parent’s level of observance of certain holidays and address it in your holiday custody schedule;
3. Remember to be flexible if holidays overlap;
4. Allow children to experience both holidays; and
5. Put your kids wants and needs first when creating your holiday custody schedule.

Consider long standing family holiday traditions when creating your holiday custody schedule.

Frankly, I don’t think parties take family traditions into consideration enough when preparing custody arrangements for holidays. It’s almost as if the separation has caused amnesia and mom can’t remember that the children have spent every Easter hunting for eggs in father’s aunt’s backyard.  While it is important for the children to see both parents on major holidays, it is also important for those children to continue to experience family holiday traditions.

Remember, the children did not ask for this divorce and they didn’t ask for their whole world to change.  Why should they suffer because their parents don’t want to be together anymore? Instead, wouldn’t it be better to try to keep some parts of their lives as consistent as possible, especially when so many parts are in transition?

Therefore, I suggest that any custody agreement takes these traditions into account.  For example, maybe dad can have the children on the first night of Hanukkah when he celebrates with extended family and Mom can the children for Christmas morning every year. Your holiday custody schedule is only as reflective of your traditions if you make it so. And doing so is a win-win. For yourself and your kids. And who doesn’t like winning?

Understand each parent’s level of observance of certain holidays and address it in your holiday custody schedule.

When sitting down to prepare a holiday custody schedule, you need to remember to take into consideration each parent’s level or observance of certain holidays. Certain religious services have different level of meaning depending on your type of faith. For example, in Judaism, Orthodox jews place different meaning on certain holidays than Reformed jews.

Are you unsure as to what holidays, or days of holidays, matter more to your coparent than others? Ask them! Having a basic understanding of the other person’s religious observances will help you create a holiday custody schedule that you both will be happy with. Also, showing respect for the other party’s religion will go along way to help your coparenting relationship.

Is your coparent of Jewish faith? If you need help understanding possible holiday custody schedules involving jewish holidays, check out this great primer on jewish holidays. While the article may have been written for attorneys, I think parents can benefit from it as well.

Remember to be flexible with your holiday custody schedule when holidays overlap.

No, I’m not talking about taking up yoga during winter break. The holiday season can be a time of fun but it also can be a time of stress. Chances are, you are dealing with other family member’s schedules, school parties, and other non-routine obligations.

This means that your holiday custody schedule may need some tweaking during this time. This is particularly true for the Christmas and Hanukkah. What if the night that your co-parent celebrates Hanukkah with family falls on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? How will you deal with that?

Don’t worry, there is no right or wrong answer. However, your agreement should address this scenario. This may also apply to Easter and Passover in some years. Recognizing that this may happen and addressing it before it does is key.

Why? Because it is unlikely that a court will be able to address it for you in the moment. Remember, the court system is slow. So unless you bring them an issue approximately two months in advance, it is unlikely they will be able to deal with it in time to avoid a holiday custody schedule disaster.

While you can try your best to address possible holiday overlap in your agreement, your custody agreement can not address all possible changes. It just can’t. Therefore, you and your co-parent are going to have to talk to one another and be flexible with your holiday custody schedule. Again, the slow court system. Plus, do you really want to be spending money on legal fees during the holidays?

Regardless of which method of communication works for you, use it.  However, don’t use your children as messengers. It is not fair to your kid to be treated like the postal service. It only causes anxiety for them.  Agree upon the best way for you to communicate directly with the other parent and use it when holiday custody schedule changes arise.

Allow children to experience both holidays in your holiday custody schedule.

If you decided to marry someone from a different religion, chances are you thought about how your religious differences would affect your children. This is particularly true if both parents are active if their faith.

Now that you are divorced, your recognition of the other parent’s religious traditions should not diminish. Remember, your children are a part of both of you. Therefore both religions are a part of them too.

So how can you recognize this? By making every effort to allow your children to experience the major holidays of both faiths when preparing your holiday custody schedule.

For example, let your children attend services at both temple and church. Allow them to be in religious groups or participate in holiday activities available at both organizations. Be supportive of their activities and curiosities of both religions.

Showing your religious tolerance is not just good for your co-parenting relationship. It is also good for raising your children to be loving and accepting of all faiths. And what better message to send to your children at the holidays than love and acceptance?

Put your kid’s wants and needs first when preparing your holiday custody schedule

Frankly, the holidays are about your kids. Not you. Make sure when you are making your holiday custody schedule or, more importantly, denying the holiday plans of the other parent, that you keep this in mind.

It is important that you get to spend time with your children during the holidays. However, try to arrange it so the children get to participate in as many holiday activities that they can. Remember, saying no just to say no hurts your children the most.

For example, is there a way that your children can go with your co-parent to visit Santa Claus at the mall or participate in a holiday recital through their youth group, while still seeing you? I’m sure there is. Isn’t that a win-win for everyone? Why say no?

Don’t get blinded by your hatred for the other parent and hurt your children in the process. That is not a lasting holiday memory you want them to have.

Are you ready to create your holiday custody schedule?

The holidays should be a time of fun and love, not fighting and stress. While you can’t take away all the stress of this time of year, following my 5 tips for creating your best holiday custody schedule should alleviate some. As a reminder, those 5 tips are:

1. Consider long-standing family holiday traditions;
2. Understand each parent’s level of observance of certain holidays and address it in your holiday custody schedule;
3. Remember to be flexible if holidays overlap;
4. Allow children to experience both holidays; and
5. Put your kids wants and needs first when creating your holiday custody schedule.

Do you have experience in an inter-faith parenting relationship? How did you address holidays in your custody arrangement? I’d love to read about your thoughts and suggestions in the comments!