10 questions to ask before dating after divorce

While the divorce rate is falling for those between the ages of 25-39, nearly half of all marriages still end in divorce. Therefore, it is likely that you will want to, at some point, start dating after divorce. Don’t believe me? 40% of all marriages involve a remarriage by one or both partners! In my practice I have seen people at all stages of separation, from the initial split to the entry of the final divorce decree and beyond.  As such, I have a front row seat to the evolution of a divorced person when it comes to moving on and being ready for love again.

1. Where are you in the divorce process?
2. Do you or your new partner have children?
3. Has your new partner been married before?
4. Who decided to end your marriage?
5. Are you ready to talk about why are you getting divorced?
6. How has your divorce affected your financial situation?
7. What kind of relationship are you looking for?
8. Are you emotionally available?
9. Do you find yourself too quick to commit?
10. Are you still angry at your ex?

1. Where are you in the divorce process?

Before I discuss the emotional aspects of dating after divorce, I first wanted to clarify the difference between someone who is divorced and someone who is separated.  While this is a legal distinction, it can also effect whether pursuing a relationship is emotionally right for you. 

When someone is separated, they are not legally divorced.  Therefore, you are still technically married to your spouse.  Let’s discuss the legal effects of this.  When someone is separated, they are not able to marry someone else until they are officially divorced. Doing so would be bigamy and is illegal. 

For some, dating someone who is not officially divorced may be an issue, particularly if they are looking to get married in the near future. Also, dating someone who is technically still married may be against a person’s religious beliefs or personal values.  As an attorney, I know how long it can take to resolve a divorce case in the court system. And if you are in the process, you probably do too.

Don’t want this person to get away? If your would-be partner has concerns about the fact that you are not yet divorced, explain to him or her where you are in the divorce process. Transparency is key. Has anything been filed in court? Have you and your spouse discussed division of assets or child custody? Are you still living together? The answers to these questions may help to allay your new partner’s concerns.

2. Do you or your new partner have children?

Children add an extra layer of consideration when deciding to start dating after divorce. Like it or not, they will affect your relationship. Your children must be your priority. You may not be able to go on dates when you want because it is your custody weekend. Your new partner must also be okay with plans changing at the last minute because a child is sick or has a school recital.  And, what if your date just doesn’t like kids and has no intentions of being a parent? If they aren’t interested in your kids then they may not be the right person for you.

Also, you need to remember that with children comes your children’s other parent. Dating after separation can often cause issues in your divorce and custody cases. How much depends on your relationship with your ex. Do you get along or is there constant fighting and court proceedings? Are potential suitors going to be scared off by all the drama? Will your dates be dragged into court?

Finally, it is also possible that your new partner has kids as well. All of the above questions would apply to their situation too. For example, what is their custody schedule with their ex? How does that affect your ability to go on dates? Do you get along with his/her kids? How will you introduce them to one another? Blending families comes with their own unique set of challenges which are for another blog post. Stay tuned for that.

3. Has your new partner been married before?

According to a Pew Research study on remarriage, men are more likely to get remarried after a divorce than women.  So, if you are a woman dating after divorce, it is likely that the men you are meeting will have been married at least once. However, there are certainly some men and women out there that have been divorced multiple times. 

Again, everyone deserves love and happiness and someone who has been divorced twice or more certainly does as well. However, before getting involved in a relationship with someone who is on their second divorce, you need to find out what happened in their previous marriages and why they did not work out.

You know the old adage; a leopard doesn’t change his spots?  Well, it’s true here too. For example, if both of his/her marriages ended because they cheated, it may be a sign that this person is not right for you. This is because chances are, they will do the same to you.  They are the leopard, see their spots.

Conversely, maybe his/her first marriage was a youthful misstep and the second, while longer, just didn’t work out because of circumstances. In this case, I would certainly suggest that you consider dating this person even if you are gun shy from your own experience.  I’ve had many clients who match this example. They are wonderful people who are looking for love for the right reasons and can have a successful relationship. We all make mistakes and I give them credit for trying to get back out there and get it right.

4. Will who decided to end your marriage affect your dating after divorce?

Marriages end for all reasons and in all types of ways. Some end with a fiery argument and someone screaming, “I want a divorce” while they hurl a book at the wall. Others just quietly fizzle out to the point where the parties are merely roommates and no longer lovers or even friends. Still for others, they are blindsided by their spouse’s decision to end their union.

How did your marriage end? 

If your former spouse ended the relationship, what are your feelings about the way that it ended?  Are you still in shock? Are you still angry? If so, you may not be ready for a new relationship. You simply haven’t had enough time to process what just happened to you.

That doesn’t mean that you have to swear off dating after divorce completely. And it  doesn’t mean that you will never be ready or won’t be a good partner for someone again in the future. It just means that you likely are not in a place to have a meaningful relationship right now.

5. Are you ready to talk about why you are getting divorced?

Just as the way marriages end vary, the reasons they end vary as well. Some couples just simply grow apart and are no longer compatible. Other unions end because of a defining event such as drug use, abuse or adultery. 

Based on what I see in my practice, I think most marriages end for lack of personal responsibility as to how one’s actions affected their spouse and thus the relationship. The demise of a marriage is generally not one sided. Both parties have a role to play in the failure of their union.  

Can you share in the blame of why your marriage ended?

Regardless of why, you need to ask yourself if you ready to talk about what happened, at least in general terms.  Can acknowledge that you share some responsibility in the breakup? Remember, no one is truly blameless in the end of a relationship. A lack of self-awareness of your role in the separation is concerning. It may mean that you are not ready to start dating after divorce, at least not in any serious way.

However, you do not need to discuss why at serious length. Having someone fixate on the reasons and bringing it up over and over is a turn-off.  While he or she should know why the separation occurred, hopefully they are sensitive enough not to discuss it every time you go on a date.  Who wants to discuss the worst thing that happened to them every day? I assume you don’t.  I would suggest having a long discussion about it and then put it to rest going forward.

6. How has your divorce affected your financial situation?

Relationships should not be about money. However, finances are a fact of life and dictate our everyday choices. Therefore, the status of your finances must be considered by both you and your new partner when deciding to begin a long-term relationship. 

There are some unique financial issues when it comes to dating after divorce. 

Paying child support can strain your relationship with your new partner.

First, if your or your partner have children, are either of you paying child support? What if you both are paying? How much? Can you afford it? Generally, neither of your incomes would be considered in determining a child support obligation should you get married. However, if you and your new partner were to marry, payment of child support may affect your lifestyle, where you live, etc.  Are you okay with that? Are they?

This is true not only for a basic child support obligation. There are other expenses for children to consider such as tuition, childcare, and after-school activities.  How do you feel about having these expenses affect your life and your financial goals? Is your new partner okay with this? If child support is causing a strain in your relationship, you should address it before getting more involved.

I’ve seen a lot of cases where a new partner who doesn’t have kids has a real issue with how much their spouse is paying their ex for support. Not only does it stress their relationship, it also affects the payor’s relationship with their ex and his/her kids. If your new partner can’t accept your child support obligation, then this may not be the relationship for you.

Divorce equals financial limbo

Second, if you are not yet divorced, you may feel like you are in financial limbo. This is because it is likely you and your former spouse have not yet decided how to divide your assets. Also, what if there is an alimony obligation? Financial insecurity is difficult for people, particularly men.  Uncertainty as to where you are going to live and how much money you are going to have when the divorce is done may affect your ability to commit to anything long term.

Separated people can also find their finances in dire straits during and after a divorce. This is because you had to pay lawyer fees, spousal support and other related expenses. This can result in tremendous debt.  Having debt also affects your ability to plan and make long term commitments. 

What if your new partner also has debts from their divorce? Are you looking to buy a house or save for your retirement? If they can’t contribute to those goals because of divorce debt, how does it affect your ability to reach those milestones?  How do you feel about that? Again, things to consider. 

7. What kind of relationship are you looking for when dating after divorce?

Not everyone wants a house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids.  Sure, many people want to be married. Some just want a committed relationship and marriage is not a priority for them. Still others just simply want to date around and have fun.  All of this is okay if you and your potential partner are on the same page.

While this advice certainly applies to all relationships, it is particularly important when dating after divorce.  If you are newly separated, it is likely that your emotions are all over the place. It is hard to know what you want because you have just gone through one of the biggest transitions of your life! 

So what kind of relationship are you looking for?

You need to think about what kind of relationship you want now and in the future and be able articulate that to a potential partner.  Just looking for someone to have dinner with? Ready to fall in love again? Both of those are okay. Just make sure that you and your new partner have the same goals.

If you and your new partner are not aligned, it is a sign that you are not right for each other. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t compatible personality-wise, it just means that you aren’t compatible relationship-wise. You need both to have a successful relationship. If one element is missing, it is probably best to remove yourself from the situation and find someone else. I always say, you do not want to wind up in my office again by repeating the mistakes of your past relationship.

8. Are you emotionally available for dating after divorce?

Okay, so by now you know that you need to figure out what kind of relationship you want.  However, before you start dating after divorce you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and ask: are you emotionally available to a new partner?

What does it mean to be emotionally available? This means that your heart and mind are open and ready to trust a partner and find love again.  Divorce and separation are scarring. They make people want to put a wall around their heart and never show vulnerability ever again.  Is your wall still up? If so, then no matter what a new partner says and does, the relationship will not work out.

When you become emotionally available after divorce will vary. Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to love and your heart. Trust me, I wish there were!

Are you emotionally available for dating after divorce? Ask yourself these questions.

• Can you discuss your emotions openly?
• Do you talk about your divorce less and less?
• Can you discuss and follow through on long term plans?

If the answers to the above are yes, then it is more likely that you are ready to find long-term love again.

9. Are you too quick to commit while dating after divorce?

You may be puzzled by this one. In fact, you may be saying to yourself, isn’t it a good thing that I’m ready to commit to a new relationship? Didn’t you tell me this was a sign I was ready? Yes and no.

Hear me out.  I promise that this is true.

Someone that has been married and/or in a committed relationship for a long period of time most likely enjoys being in a relationship.  You are used to having someone to go out to dinner with, discuss life’s problems, travel, etc. You like these aspects of a relationship, even if, at some point, you stopped liking your spouse.

Being in a relationship, even if it’s not a great one, also provides security. This means that you never will go to a wedding alone.  Your emergency contact isn’t your mom. Your bed doesn’t feel empty.  You have someone to share expenses with.  So, when your marriage ended, you may have been quick to begin a new relationship to simply reclaim that feeling of belonging to someone.

Simply being in a relationship for relationship sake is not good for anyone.

Just being in a relationship to have one is not good for you. This is because it is likely that you are in a relationship with someone with whom you are not compatible, just because you want to have someone to fill the space left by your former spouse. At some point, you will realize that this relationship is not for you and will end it, repeating the cycle of sadness and lack of security. 

This is also not good for your new partner.  In reality, this relationship never had a chance. What if he or she thinks that this relationship had long-term potential only to be disappointed when it fizzles out? What if that person has struggled to find love and now has had this relationship end because you weren’t ready or in fact, just didn’t like him or her that much? Such a situation can be very emotionally damaging.

How do you know if you are to quick to commit while dating after divorce? Luckily there are signs. 

• Did you go from first date to being in a relationship in a matter of days?
• Did you make future long-term plans (such as taking a vacation months from now) early in the dating process?
• Are you introducing your new partner to friends, family (even your children) after date two?

If the answer to any of these is yes, you need to take a step back and see you are just here for a relationship or here for the right relationship for you. 

10. Are you still angry at your ex?

A person that is still angry at their ex is not ready to be in a serious relationship.  Full stop.  You may be saying to yourself, Liz, I’m always going to be angry at them. They [fill in the blank] to me. Yes, it is possible that you will always hold some animosity towards your former partner. However, there is a level of anger that will affect your ability to have a meaningful relationship with someone else. If you are still in that stage then I strongly encourage you to deal with those emotions before you start dating after your divorce.

Not sure if you are ready? Some questions to ask:

• Can you say his/her name without venom accompanying it?;
• Do you call his/her names or disparage their appearance/personality traits to others?;
• Can you say anything nice about your former spouse, even if it is something benign such as she was a good cook or he excelled at crossword puzzles?;
• Do you mention something that he or she did wrong or how the divorce is their fault every time you discuss the divorce?;
• Are you constantly talking about your divorce, especially on dates?; and
• Can you take responsibility for your part in the end of the marriage?

Someone that still has that much anger about their divorce is just not ready to be in a long-term committed relationship.  If that is what you want you want then you need to deal with this immediately.

So how do you stop being so angry?

I’m not going to give you any cliches. And I’m not going to lie and say this isn’t tough and it won’t take time. It is and it will. But you have to let go of the anger. That’s the only way to get to your best post-divorce life and, if you want, find love again! Don’t you want to get there?

This is where you may need to seek some professional help. Therapists, divorce coaches, and other professionals can help you deal with this loss and give you the tools to get rid of the anger and move on to your best post-divorce life.

Also, if you are looking for something that you can do at your own pace, check out Gabrielle Hartley’s Better Apart Masterclass which is a six week self guided program which walks you through the five elements of the emotions of divorce with the goal of changing your mindset about the end of your marriage. At the end you’ll be ready, and hopefully excited to check out what is ready for you in your post-divorce life. Interested? Join my email list and I’ll send you a promo code for a discount!

So do you think you are ready for dating after divorce?

Beginning any new relationship is scary. It is hard to put yourself out there to others, particularly if it hasn’t worked out for you in the past. However, you need to make sure that when you start dating after divorce, you do it when you are ready and with your eyes wide open. Be honest with yourself and use these questions as a guide to examine yourself and your relationships.

Have a question about dating after divorce? Any war stories you want to share? Did I miss something? Let me know in the comments or send me an email!

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